Well I knew I would dread March, I just didn't think I'd hate this whole month. Truth of the matter, I've been pretty miserable since we found out Savannah was gone. There are definitely days that are easier to cope, and as long as I stay busy, I find myself smiling and laughing a little more. These last few weeks especially though, have been a living hell.... literally.
So on top of dealing with the loss of Savannah, something I never thought in a million years I would ever have to do, I am now patiently awaiting results to find out what is going on with Elijah. As our close friends and family know, we've had a growing concern with his violent tantrums and lack of speech, and this was a year ago..... So we started speech therapy last year, and of course insurance only covers 20 sessions. Thankfully they pointed us in the right direction to Early Intervention Services. I was busy making appointments back in September, he saw a neurologist twice who cleared him of autism, granted there was never any testing done. At first I was ok with that diagnosis, or lack there of, his motor skills are fine, he's social with other kids, and his brothers. But especially the last few months the husband and I noticed his lack of talking, he does say a few words here and there, but not much. His tantrums have gotten a lot more violent, I know most of it is frustration, it's like he speaks a different language than us. But he hits his head hard against anything he can when he gets mad, and now he smacks himself and punches himself in the head. So now we are expecting an autism diagnosis, we've been referred to a neuro psychologist, and we have a meeting with Child Find next week. They will evaluate him to see if he qualifies for longer schooling, which I think he will, since he is so cognitively and speech delayed.
Needless to say, I have a lot going on, and I feel at any moment I may crumble. I am so very thankful for my 2 older boys, they have been wonderful these past few months, coping with the loss of their sister, and me having to spend my extra time and patience with their younger brother. I'm thankful for all my children... my daughter in Heaven included. I am missing her a lot these days. Her due date would have been the 20th, I always told people she would have come early, my boys all did, so I am thinking I would probably be having her around now, I kinda hoped she'd share a birthday with my sister. I'm so angry, I'm supposed to be preparing for a daughter, instead, I have her in her urn here, and I am more than likely going to have to learn a new set of parenting skills, for what they consider "special needs". I am waving my white flag, furiously..... I surrender..
