I honestly cannot believe it's been 6 months since I found out my Savannah had passed, I wouldn't go on to deliver her until early morning Dec. 31st..... My NYE will forever be changed. Some days that day feels so far away, and then other days I can remember everything like it was yesterday. What I wouldn't give to hold her again, to kiss her sweet little head again, to gaze upon her tiny hands and feet. She wasn't meant for this Earth, God deemed her too perfect for this Earth, and needed her in Heaven. I definitely have more good days than bad, but these past few weeks have been really hard on me. With my 35th birthday just passing, knowing I'll never have another baby, my birthday was just a day where I was very sad and cried a lot, missing Savannah. Memories of telling the 1st dr I was seeing before I switched, since he never seemed to actually remember his patients, he ALWAYS asked about genetic testing, and I always reminded him, baby is due in March, I'm 35 in June, I'm good...... I knew this birthday would be hard, I just can't believe HOW hard it was. I haven't blogged in a while, since her due date, I'm not sure why, I can't seem to find the words to explain how I feel.
One thing I am thankful for is the resources that Elijah is getting through the school district. He is making so much progress in the small amount of time he's been in school, and that makes my heart happy. You can't help but feel like you've failed as a parent when you lose your only daughter, and then you're dealing with the possible "special needs" label for another child, all within a few months of each other. The more I learn about autism though, the more I don't understand why it's considered "special needs". Yes, he has different needs than the other boys, and he'll learn differently, but I feel like he has just as much potential as my older boys. And to watch him learn and grow is a whole new experience, and I am really enjoying that. I think Savannah gives me a peace with her brother, I know in my heart that everything will be ok, with Elijah, with our family. I miss Savannah more than words could ever express, but I know she is forever with me.
