Well today is the day, the day most mothers look forward to, the day where their baby gets to come home.. The difference in this situation is my baby is coming home in an urn, not in a car seat. I'll never get to hear her cry, see her smile, watch her as she takes her first steps, hear her say Mommy. I won't get to sign her up for dance, or soccer, or whatever it would have been that she wanted to do.... I'll never get to see her graduate, watch her walk down the aisle. Yes, she got to skip all the BS of this world and go straight up to Heaven to be with Jesus, but right now that doesn't make it any easier on me.
I've had a very shitty last few days, surrounded by stupid, thoughtless, inconsiderate people..... Gotta love having to call the ultrasound doctor because you got that reminder call about coming in to check on your baby girl...... and then having to explain to the stupid receptionist as to why I was canceling.....Only to have her say how sorry she was (understandable) and then preceded to tell me not to give up, and to try again..... Like my Savannah didn't matter. As badly as I wanted to tell her to F off (unfortunately with the grieving process, I've picked up swearing.... Not around my kids) I just hung up.
Then the lovely person who texted me to ask how my day was going, knowing full well what has happened, nevermind the fact that this person is expecting a baby this spring too..... and wanted to meet up with me. Yes, because that's what I want to be around right now, someone who wasn't a great friend to begin with, and have the pregnant belly staring me right in the face.
Needless to say, I am dealing with some serious anger. My true friends, they know who they are, aren't in danger of my swearing wrath....Even those people who I don't talk to much who reach out and are honest, and tell me they really don't know what to say. I don't get angry at that..... There are no right words to say to a woman who has just lost a child...... but there are things you want to steer clear of.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Post Partum Follow Up
Had my follow up postpartum appointment yesterday. I was dreading going to the office. Just thinking about what happened last time I was there immediately brings tears to my eyes. Before I had gone to that office just 3 weeks ago, life was normal, I was smiling, happy..... Now I'm trying to learn a new normal, one where I could cry at any minute, and very often I do.....
I'm so grateful to my doctor and her staff. They got me into a room very quickly, but it was there I broke down and sobbed like I did when I found out my baby girl had passed. There to my left was the ultrasound machine, and to my right on the counter was the Doppler. All over the wall were happy baby announcements, announcements I'll never get to send out. So yes, I lost it, and was sobbing when the Dr, came in. She hugged me, and just let me sit there and talk to her and ask questions.... Unfortunately there aren't many answers to my questions: Will this happen again if I do choose to have another baby? Is there any way of knowing if this was a fluke? All I know is I am now considered a "high risk" patient, and will be to see numerous doctors should I get pregnant again.... and who knows if I will. I haven't decided if I want to, a huge part of me does because I yearn for a daughter so badly, but a part of me doesn't want to go through this again..... what if I lose her? What if I have a boy? Yes, I love my boys with all my heart but I want that mother/daughter bond, and I'm so scared of being disappointed if I have another boy. Yes, of course I would love the child regardless, no question about that. But there could be a tiny bit of resentment, who knows. I don't know how I feel about having another baby, and I'm so glad that it's a not a decision that I even have to think about now. I'm still grieving my daughter.
The death certificate was very vague, we requested no autopsy, and thinking back, part of me wishes we had one done, mostly to find out if what killed her was genetic or just a fluke infection. On the death certificate, it states maternal infection..... I know it's just a term, but damn, when I heard that, it was a slap in the face, like something I did killed my baby... It's bad enough that I struggle with that guilt every day, my womb is supposed to protect my babies from the harmful outside world, and apparently something got in there and killed her. I hate that I feel like my body failed her, like I failed her. Yes, there was NO way of knowing my fluid was infected, that's not even something that can be picked up on an ultrasound, but still.....
I'd been having a good day today. Then I open the pantry to make my youngest lunch, and I see the bottle warmer box that had been a gift to us from a friend. So naturally, I cried. I won't get to use that now. Thankfully it's about naptime, and my youngest and I snuggle up and will nap together... I cherish these moments now more than ever, plus I can cry my eyes out and he'll just snuggle me.
I have to hold him tight...... I feel such a void now, in my uterus, in my heart. My daughter was the last piece to the puzzle of our family, and everything still feels so incomplete.
I'm so grateful to my doctor and her staff. They got me into a room very quickly, but it was there I broke down and sobbed like I did when I found out my baby girl had passed. There to my left was the ultrasound machine, and to my right on the counter was the Doppler. All over the wall were happy baby announcements, announcements I'll never get to send out. So yes, I lost it, and was sobbing when the Dr, came in. She hugged me, and just let me sit there and talk to her and ask questions.... Unfortunately there aren't many answers to my questions: Will this happen again if I do choose to have another baby? Is there any way of knowing if this was a fluke? All I know is I am now considered a "high risk" patient, and will be to see numerous doctors should I get pregnant again.... and who knows if I will. I haven't decided if I want to, a huge part of me does because I yearn for a daughter so badly, but a part of me doesn't want to go through this again..... what if I lose her? What if I have a boy? Yes, I love my boys with all my heart but I want that mother/daughter bond, and I'm so scared of being disappointed if I have another boy. Yes, of course I would love the child regardless, no question about that. But there could be a tiny bit of resentment, who knows. I don't know how I feel about having another baby, and I'm so glad that it's a not a decision that I even have to think about now. I'm still grieving my daughter.
The death certificate was very vague, we requested no autopsy, and thinking back, part of me wishes we had one done, mostly to find out if what killed her was genetic or just a fluke infection. On the death certificate, it states maternal infection..... I know it's just a term, but damn, when I heard that, it was a slap in the face, like something I did killed my baby... It's bad enough that I struggle with that guilt every day, my womb is supposed to protect my babies from the harmful outside world, and apparently something got in there and killed her. I hate that I feel like my body failed her, like I failed her. Yes, there was NO way of knowing my fluid was infected, that's not even something that can be picked up on an ultrasound, but still.....
I'd been having a good day today. Then I open the pantry to make my youngest lunch, and I see the bottle warmer box that had been a gift to us from a friend. So naturally, I cried. I won't get to use that now. Thankfully it's about naptime, and my youngest and I snuggle up and will nap together... I cherish these moments now more than ever, plus I can cry my eyes out and he'll just snuggle me.
I have to hold him tight...... I feel such a void now, in my uterus, in my heart. My daughter was the last piece to the puzzle of our family, and everything still feels so incomplete.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
My Story
I am just a normal, scatterbrained mom like most of my mom friends. Trying to juggle the balance between spending quality time with each kid, my husband and working a part time job so that I don't completely lose my sanity. I absolutely loved being pregnant with all 3 of my boys. Yes, the aches and pains got to be unbearable, along with the feeling like I couldn't breathe, but the fact that I was growing a baby inside me and I got to watch each one of them move and kick around was a feeling that never got old. And after I had my 3rd son, I thought I was done having kids. But as he started getting a little older (he'll be 3 soon, so he's not THAT old) I felt as though maybe having an even number of kids was the way to go. Trust me, if you would have told me 10 years ago that I'd be married with 3, thinking of 4, kids, I would have laughed and told you that you were nuts. Not that I didn't want kids, I always knew that I'd eventually have kids. My first was a surprise, but at 27 years old, it was what it was, and although I was freaked out at becoming a mom, I couldn't wait.
Last summer, my husband and I had kinda talked about having 1 more baby. He always joked with me that he wanted 5 or 6 kids when we first got married, never thought we would ever have THAT many, but like I said, the balance of kids seemed off with 3. I always know when I'm pregnant, I can take a test before I'm late and that thing pops up positive right away. So lo and behold, the beginning of July, I'm feeling a little more tired than normal, I had gotten a call from my doctor earlier in the day to tell me I needed to have a small procedure done. I knew if I were pregnant, I couldn't have it done, so I took a test just to be on the safe side, and bam positive. It was the first time I took a test that I wasn't super stoked I was pregnant. I was scared, nervous. I feel overwhelmed most days with my 3 boys, what's going to happen when I add a 4th to the mix, not to mention I had just reapplied for Metro and had gotten on the hiring list quite quickly this time around. So the timing was not the best, but we always made it work in the past. Then the bleeding started. I didn't even know how far along I was, but I knew that what was happening didn't seem normal. I spotted with my boys, but this was different. After 7 hours at the ER, I thankfully was sent home with a diagnosis of a nasty UTI (which was causing the bleeding), a decent sized cyst on my ovary, and then I was told that there was a blood clot near the placenta. However, I did get to see my tiny peanut sized baby and the heartbeat, so I was more than relieved that all was good there. Unfortunately I did not get so lucky with this pregnancy and no morning sickness..... I was nauseous ALL the time, and the meds for the UTI just made it worse. I spent most of my 1st trimester in bed, too sick and dizzy to do anything. I was so happy once I reached the 13 week mark and was no longer considered "high risk" for miscarriage.
2nd trimester would be a breeze I thought, I was so sick in the beginning that everything else had to be cake. Ha, not so much. It didn't help that I didn't like my OB, he never followed up with the blood clot, and he treated me like every other patient, just asking small talk questions, not really wanting to know how the pregnancy was going. Never followed up with blood work, so I felt very in the dark about everything. Then at 15 weeks, I started spotting a bit and having contractions. I had Braxton Hicks with my boys, but that usually happened at 25+ weeks, not this early. Thankfully with a little more bedrest, they subsided.
Our big ultrasound day was in October. I was hoping I was carrying a little girl, this pregnancy had been a complete 180 from my boys, I was extremely depressed and hormonal and very sick, but I didn't get my hopes up. The tech confirmed very quickly that I had a daughter in me. I cried, and I was in disbelief for a good week or 2. I was FINALLY getting my daughter, I was over the moon excited, my husband, not so much, and it took him a few weeks to finally come around so we could pick a name for her. We finally decided on Savannah and chose Michelle for the middle name because she was my best friend growing up and we're still very close after 30+years.
At my 24 week check up and ultrasound, she was moving around like crazy, partly because I had done my glucose test that morning. Everything looked great, she was growing perfectly, the doctor was a little concerned that one of her kidneys was slightly enlarged, but he just scheduled me for a follow up ultrasound in 7 weeks to make sure it had worked itself out. Never would I have imagined that I would never make it to that appointment.
A few days later, the beginning of December, I noticed that she wasn't moving around as much. I was told by so many people that little girls were different and that their boys moved around like crazy, but their girls didn't. I was in tears a lot of the time because I worried there was something wrong. I even went to the hospital to be monitored, and they found the heartbeat right away, and she started moving a little bit more. As the weeks went on, she'd move a little here and there, but nothing like she was. A few days before my appointment, I ate a big bowl of sugar filled cereal and laid down to go to sleep, and felt a jolt on my right side. Movement, I was so happy, plus my appointment was in 2 days, so I could see for myself I was just being paranoid.
December 30th, the last "normal" day for me.... My boys were on Christmas break and were supposed to come with me to the appointment so they could hear their baby sister's heartbeat. But they love their babysitter, so when they found out she was coming over, they decided not to come with me. So I went alone.... excited because I wanted all my fears to go away, and I wanted to start getting ready for my baby shower. I had planned on going to register for her the next day. My first red flag was when they weighed me and I hadn't gained any weight, but I just thought, hey I'm actually eating good with her. I got to see the PA (I switched doctors in October, and so grateful that I had) and I loved her, we sat and chatted for a bit before she checked me out. Measured me, I measured 28 weeks, where I was supposed to be, and then was having issues with the Doppler. So we decided to do an ultrasound, and the machine wasn't working, so they moved rooms. She still was having a hard time, so she went out to get the doctor (not my doctor, but another from the practice) and he looked at her, asked me if I had any issues with any of my other pregnancies, and I said nope none. Then all got quiet, and he says "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your baby does not have a heartbeat". Wait, what? No, I'm supposed to be here having them tell me I've just been paranoid this whole month, not for them to tell me that my baby girl is dead. I cried, of course, I was more in disbelief than anything, and I sat up and asked him "Ok, now what? I can't just keep carrying her, do I go to the hospital? What happens now?". Basically I was told I didn't have to be induced right away, but that I would have to have her in the next few days. After they left the room, I sobbed, and dreaded having to make that phone call to my husband, to tell him that yes, this whole time I thought something was off, something really was off.
We decided to go to the hospital that night, I couldn't bear the thought of carrying my baby, knowing she wasn't living anymore. The labor experience was THE worst of my life...... knowing I was going through all these motions and I was going to be delivering a baby who wouldn't cry, wouldn't move, wouldn't even open her eyes for me. After almost 13 hours, she came, and I got to spend the day (with my husband), holding her. The epidural they gave me was too strong in my legs, so I couldn't get up for a while after I had her, my husband got to bathe her, got to help do her handprints and footprints. I still couldn't believe what was happening, I was hoping everything was just a bad dream. No way could my only baby girl be gone, with no explanation at all......
It's been 2.5 weeks since every mother's worst nightmare, I know people mean well when they come up to me with sadness in their eyes and ask how I am. I just tell them I have my good days and my bad days, when I really want to scream How do you think I am? I had to birth a baby who had already passed away, I had to leave the hospital empty handed, I will NEVER get to watch my baby girl grow up......... I still have to heal physically from labor, even though I have no baby. I had milk come in, and no baby to feed. My boys still come up to me and hug and kiss my stomach out of habit because they would do that before they'd go to school in the morning. I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces, and as much as the prayers and love and gifts from friends do help, nothing can bring my daughter back. I don't sleep at night because my body is programmed to wake up every few hours to feed a newborn. And when I do sleep, it's filled with dreams and nightmares of my baby girl. So no, right now, I'm not doing ok. I cry all the time, even though you don't see it. I'm angry that I have no baby girl here with me, and so many others around me are having babies. Yes, I do take comfort that she is with Jesus and is in no pain, but it does not take my heartache and pain away. And the shittiest part about this all is that life just goes on. I just want time to stop so I can grieve my baby girl, but time doesn't stop. Kids still need attention, laundry still needs to be done....... it's like it didn't happen, but for me, it's all I think about. It consumes me. I miss her so much and ache for her to be in my arms.
So that's my story. I started this blog because I need to get these feelings out. I want to not feel so sad and numb, and yes I've been told time heals all wounds....... I don't want this to heal. I just want my girl back. :'(
Last summer, my husband and I had kinda talked about having 1 more baby. He always joked with me that he wanted 5 or 6 kids when we first got married, never thought we would ever have THAT many, but like I said, the balance of kids seemed off with 3. I always know when I'm pregnant, I can take a test before I'm late and that thing pops up positive right away. So lo and behold, the beginning of July, I'm feeling a little more tired than normal, I had gotten a call from my doctor earlier in the day to tell me I needed to have a small procedure done. I knew if I were pregnant, I couldn't have it done, so I took a test just to be on the safe side, and bam positive. It was the first time I took a test that I wasn't super stoked I was pregnant. I was scared, nervous. I feel overwhelmed most days with my 3 boys, what's going to happen when I add a 4th to the mix, not to mention I had just reapplied for Metro and had gotten on the hiring list quite quickly this time around. So the timing was not the best, but we always made it work in the past. Then the bleeding started. I didn't even know how far along I was, but I knew that what was happening didn't seem normal. I spotted with my boys, but this was different. After 7 hours at the ER, I thankfully was sent home with a diagnosis of a nasty UTI (which was causing the bleeding), a decent sized cyst on my ovary, and then I was told that there was a blood clot near the placenta. However, I did get to see my tiny peanut sized baby and the heartbeat, so I was more than relieved that all was good there. Unfortunately I did not get so lucky with this pregnancy and no morning sickness..... I was nauseous ALL the time, and the meds for the UTI just made it worse. I spent most of my 1st trimester in bed, too sick and dizzy to do anything. I was so happy once I reached the 13 week mark and was no longer considered "high risk" for miscarriage.
2nd trimester would be a breeze I thought, I was so sick in the beginning that everything else had to be cake. Ha, not so much. It didn't help that I didn't like my OB, he never followed up with the blood clot, and he treated me like every other patient, just asking small talk questions, not really wanting to know how the pregnancy was going. Never followed up with blood work, so I felt very in the dark about everything. Then at 15 weeks, I started spotting a bit and having contractions. I had Braxton Hicks with my boys, but that usually happened at 25+ weeks, not this early. Thankfully with a little more bedrest, they subsided.
Our big ultrasound day was in October. I was hoping I was carrying a little girl, this pregnancy had been a complete 180 from my boys, I was extremely depressed and hormonal and very sick, but I didn't get my hopes up. The tech confirmed very quickly that I had a daughter in me. I cried, and I was in disbelief for a good week or 2. I was FINALLY getting my daughter, I was over the moon excited, my husband, not so much, and it took him a few weeks to finally come around so we could pick a name for her. We finally decided on Savannah and chose Michelle for the middle name because she was my best friend growing up and we're still very close after 30+years.
At my 24 week check up and ultrasound, she was moving around like crazy, partly because I had done my glucose test that morning. Everything looked great, she was growing perfectly, the doctor was a little concerned that one of her kidneys was slightly enlarged, but he just scheduled me for a follow up ultrasound in 7 weeks to make sure it had worked itself out. Never would I have imagined that I would never make it to that appointment.
A few days later, the beginning of December, I noticed that she wasn't moving around as much. I was told by so many people that little girls were different and that their boys moved around like crazy, but their girls didn't. I was in tears a lot of the time because I worried there was something wrong. I even went to the hospital to be monitored, and they found the heartbeat right away, and she started moving a little bit more. As the weeks went on, she'd move a little here and there, but nothing like she was. A few days before my appointment, I ate a big bowl of sugar filled cereal and laid down to go to sleep, and felt a jolt on my right side. Movement, I was so happy, plus my appointment was in 2 days, so I could see for myself I was just being paranoid.
December 30th, the last "normal" day for me.... My boys were on Christmas break and were supposed to come with me to the appointment so they could hear their baby sister's heartbeat. But they love their babysitter, so when they found out she was coming over, they decided not to come with me. So I went alone.... excited because I wanted all my fears to go away, and I wanted to start getting ready for my baby shower. I had planned on going to register for her the next day. My first red flag was when they weighed me and I hadn't gained any weight, but I just thought, hey I'm actually eating good with her. I got to see the PA (I switched doctors in October, and so grateful that I had) and I loved her, we sat and chatted for a bit before she checked me out. Measured me, I measured 28 weeks, where I was supposed to be, and then was having issues with the Doppler. So we decided to do an ultrasound, and the machine wasn't working, so they moved rooms. She still was having a hard time, so she went out to get the doctor (not my doctor, but another from the practice) and he looked at her, asked me if I had any issues with any of my other pregnancies, and I said nope none. Then all got quiet, and he says "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your baby does not have a heartbeat". Wait, what? No, I'm supposed to be here having them tell me I've just been paranoid this whole month, not for them to tell me that my baby girl is dead. I cried, of course, I was more in disbelief than anything, and I sat up and asked him "Ok, now what? I can't just keep carrying her, do I go to the hospital? What happens now?". Basically I was told I didn't have to be induced right away, but that I would have to have her in the next few days. After they left the room, I sobbed, and dreaded having to make that phone call to my husband, to tell him that yes, this whole time I thought something was off, something really was off.
We decided to go to the hospital that night, I couldn't bear the thought of carrying my baby, knowing she wasn't living anymore. The labor experience was THE worst of my life...... knowing I was going through all these motions and I was going to be delivering a baby who wouldn't cry, wouldn't move, wouldn't even open her eyes for me. After almost 13 hours, she came, and I got to spend the day (with my husband), holding her. The epidural they gave me was too strong in my legs, so I couldn't get up for a while after I had her, my husband got to bathe her, got to help do her handprints and footprints. I still couldn't believe what was happening, I was hoping everything was just a bad dream. No way could my only baby girl be gone, with no explanation at all......
It's been 2.5 weeks since every mother's worst nightmare, I know people mean well when they come up to me with sadness in their eyes and ask how I am. I just tell them I have my good days and my bad days, when I really want to scream How do you think I am? I had to birth a baby who had already passed away, I had to leave the hospital empty handed, I will NEVER get to watch my baby girl grow up......... I still have to heal physically from labor, even though I have no baby. I had milk come in, and no baby to feed. My boys still come up to me and hug and kiss my stomach out of habit because they would do that before they'd go to school in the morning. I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces, and as much as the prayers and love and gifts from friends do help, nothing can bring my daughter back. I don't sleep at night because my body is programmed to wake up every few hours to feed a newborn. And when I do sleep, it's filled with dreams and nightmares of my baby girl. So no, right now, I'm not doing ok. I cry all the time, even though you don't see it. I'm angry that I have no baby girl here with me, and so many others around me are having babies. Yes, I do take comfort that she is with Jesus and is in no pain, but it does not take my heartache and pain away. And the shittiest part about this all is that life just goes on. I just want time to stop so I can grieve my baby girl, but time doesn't stop. Kids still need attention, laundry still needs to be done....... it's like it didn't happen, but for me, it's all I think about. It consumes me. I miss her so much and ache for her to be in my arms.
So that's my story. I started this blog because I need to get these feelings out. I want to not feel so sad and numb, and yes I've been told time heals all wounds....... I don't want this to heal. I just want my girl back. :'(
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