I think I've come to the conclusion that I will never be the same...... I don't even want to blog anymore because I just want to escape the sad thoughts swimming constantly through my mind. As the holidays approach, I am made very aware that I am missing a child. Seeing the empty chair at the table on Thanksgiving, and tonight, as my boys put up Christmas decorations, the excitement they get out of finding and hanging their stockings....... I thought I'd have a pink stocking to hang this year. I spent 10 hours with a good friend Black Friday shopping, I just got to vent and talk about all my anxiety and troubles, and my wonderful friend just listened..... I was made aware that I will not be buying little girl toys and little girl Christmas dresses. It's a giant slap in the face for me, especially since my husband and I cannot find common ground to have another child. I want to, he doesn't, neither one of us is budging in our decision. There's already a huge rift between us, and for me it just seems to be getting bigger and I become more unhappy. I keep saying I am going to seek counseling, I think I will actually do it, as I have some decisions I feel I may need to make, regarding a lot of things. My job is amazing, I am beyond happy there, I have a lot of anger and resentment built up, I feel a lot of it is geared toward my husband. Who knows...... I just can't handle the sleepless nights, and the nightmares, and the sadness of missing my daughter.
Tomorrow I start the 21 Day Fix. I am going to fight this depression any way I can. I am going to eat healthy and work out, and drink my Starbucks in moderation... can't give that up completely, ha ha!! I'm going to touch up my hair color and get my nails done, just a little something for me, I need it..... I'm getting desperate. I've really dove into reading, I reread the 50 Shades series, actually enjoyed it this time around....go figure, I think it's just because I need something, anything, to help me escape reality for a bit. I am practicing more patience with my boys, it's not their fault I'm sad, and I can't take it out on them, I'm the only mom they have, I want to be a good one. They ask about their sister a lot, mostly what Heaven's like and that they can't wait to meet her and hold her. I really have been blessed with the sweetest boys. I love them so!
I will update more once counseling starts, and maybe, I'll be brave enough to post before and after pics of my workout...... maybe.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Friday, September 11, 2015
Smiling through the sadness
It's been 8 and a half months since I lost Savannah. I hate that word "lost"........ Like I forgot her somewhere, or I left her behind, like it was a choice. It wasn't a choice, I would never CHOOSE this journey for ANYONE. There are not many people I dislike, if fact, at this moment, no one comes to mind, but I would never wish this pain on my worst enemy. It sucks, my brain never stops going. I don't have a choice but to push through. Some days it's easier to push through than others, but lately, it feels like the world is crashing down around me. I SHOULD be happy. I FINALLY got the call from Metro, after trying for 4 years to get on with the "Blue" family, I did! And I got an ideal schedule for the family, SCORE! I would be gone during the day while the kids are at school, and would only need a few hours of childcare until I could get home. I was so excited, this was the new beginning I needed. I wanted to make my Savannah so proud!
I'm 3 weeks in to my new job, which I absolutely LOVE! I know, it's only been 3 weeks, but honestly, everyone I have talked to, everyone I work with, seems to still enjoy what they do, and some of these people have been there for 10+ years. I'm excited to have this brand new career, a career with so much growth opportunity, a career that will help provide for my family, a career that I will eventually retire from. That aspect of my life is fantastic, I have NO complaints there. I have been extremely blessed. I feel like everything else seems to be crumbling. Tensions run high at the house on the weekends now. I feel as though I am still expected to do the things I did when I stayed at home with the kids. And I get angry at those expectations, although I probably am just putting them on myself. My kids seem to be acting out more, mostly my oldest one, he's already got the sass and attitude of a teenage, God help me in a few years. I pick him up from Safekey, and holy crow the tantrum he throws. Mind you, his brother screams in joy when he sees me, grabs his backpack and is ready to head out the door. So I dread pickup. And since I work in an area that has NO cell service, it's hard to reach me during the day...... I sit at work and stress a little about that. And of course, I have a voicemail today from my youngest's teacher. He's been peeing his pants lately, and pooped in them today. And she couldn't get a hold of anyone. So basically I sit here, frustrated, because I NEED to do something for me, I feel at this point if I don't, I will literally lose my mind. This job is for ME, yes it's for my family too, the extra income is wonderful, but this is something I worked hard for, I earned this job. I got through all the testing and hoops and polygraph TWICE. And I feel like because I am working, the family is falling apart, the hubby and I don't seem to have a lot of time together, and again, that word, expectation, comes out. I feel like it's my fault this is all happening, and I'm angry because I will not quit this place. I will push through all the crap that is being thrown at me. I just don't know how much more CRAP I can take.
I'm not sure if I've ever actually admitted to needing a counselor. I have reached that point. I am sad, and angry, and depressed, and anxious.... ALL the time. I get little bursts of happiness here and there, but for the most part, I am just irritable, and I seem to snap at the boys and the husband. I know I've mentioned that I feel like ALL my patience goes into my youngest son, which I am ok with, but I just feel like there is no more patience left. I just feel myself getting angrier and more sad everyday. More nights than not, I cry myself to sleep. And I ALWAYS wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding out of my chest, mid panic attack. I'm so sick of it. I just want it to stop. I took my Savannah's urn and laid in bed with it, just holding it and sobbing. I held a lot of anger before she died, but now it's just intensified. I'm not even 100% sure where the anger comes from, but I know it gets directed at the boys, and my husband, mostly him. I know I have to be happy with myself, I can't expect anyone to make me happy...... I grasp that fact. The thing is, I'm not sure I've ever truly been happy with myself. Battling depression on and off since I was 13, a lot of self doubt is poured in there..... I definitely have a lot more confidence in myself than I did as a teenager, but I feel like I'm just smiling through my sadness..... I have to put on this happy face to hide the pain I feel inside.
So until I find a counselor to really pour my thoughts out to, I will have to do just that, smile through my sadness.
I'm 3 weeks in to my new job, which I absolutely LOVE! I know, it's only been 3 weeks, but honestly, everyone I have talked to, everyone I work with, seems to still enjoy what they do, and some of these people have been there for 10+ years. I'm excited to have this brand new career, a career with so much growth opportunity, a career that will help provide for my family, a career that I will eventually retire from. That aspect of my life is fantastic, I have NO complaints there. I have been extremely blessed. I feel like everything else seems to be crumbling. Tensions run high at the house on the weekends now. I feel as though I am still expected to do the things I did when I stayed at home with the kids. And I get angry at those expectations, although I probably am just putting them on myself. My kids seem to be acting out more, mostly my oldest one, he's already got the sass and attitude of a teenage, God help me in a few years. I pick him up from Safekey, and holy crow the tantrum he throws. Mind you, his brother screams in joy when he sees me, grabs his backpack and is ready to head out the door. So I dread pickup. And since I work in an area that has NO cell service, it's hard to reach me during the day...... I sit at work and stress a little about that. And of course, I have a voicemail today from my youngest's teacher. He's been peeing his pants lately, and pooped in them today. And she couldn't get a hold of anyone. So basically I sit here, frustrated, because I NEED to do something for me, I feel at this point if I don't, I will literally lose my mind. This job is for ME, yes it's for my family too, the extra income is wonderful, but this is something I worked hard for, I earned this job. I got through all the testing and hoops and polygraph TWICE. And I feel like because I am working, the family is falling apart, the hubby and I don't seem to have a lot of time together, and again, that word, expectation, comes out. I feel like it's my fault this is all happening, and I'm angry because I will not quit this place. I will push through all the crap that is being thrown at me. I just don't know how much more CRAP I can take.
I'm not sure if I've ever actually admitted to needing a counselor. I have reached that point. I am sad, and angry, and depressed, and anxious.... ALL the time. I get little bursts of happiness here and there, but for the most part, I am just irritable, and I seem to snap at the boys and the husband. I know I've mentioned that I feel like ALL my patience goes into my youngest son, which I am ok with, but I just feel like there is no more patience left. I just feel myself getting angrier and more sad everyday. More nights than not, I cry myself to sleep. And I ALWAYS wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding out of my chest, mid panic attack. I'm so sick of it. I just want it to stop. I took my Savannah's urn and laid in bed with it, just holding it and sobbing. I held a lot of anger before she died, but now it's just intensified. I'm not even 100% sure where the anger comes from, but I know it gets directed at the boys, and my husband, mostly him. I know I have to be happy with myself, I can't expect anyone to make me happy...... I grasp that fact. The thing is, I'm not sure I've ever truly been happy with myself. Battling depression on and off since I was 13, a lot of self doubt is poured in there..... I definitely have a lot more confidence in myself than I did as a teenager, but I feel like I'm just smiling through my sadness..... I have to put on this happy face to hide the pain I feel inside.
So until I find a counselor to really pour my thoughts out to, I will have to do just that, smile through my sadness.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Drowning.......
I'm beginning to think that I just suppressed all of my feelings when Savannah came sleeping into this world. For some reason, I seem to feel it SO much more lately, her void, the fact that I am minus one child. Yes, everyone wants to tell me that I should look at the 3 blessings in front of me, and I do, I will forever be grateful that God has blessed me with 3 wonderful and smart boys. But it makes it seem as though I am not allowed to grieve my daughter. So many "what ifs" constantly pop into my head. I knew there was something not right the whole month of December, why didn't I follow up with my doctor more? Why does an acquaintance of mine have her baby, also at 29 weeks, and he lives, and my Savannah had to die?
No one tells you what a strain it puts on a marriage when you lose a child. I know the strain it puts on a marriage when you have a special needs child, I'm dealing with that on top of losing my only daughter..... I am waving my white flag. I am so angry and sad all of the time, I have such little patience, and the patience I do have goes to my 3 year old with ASD. I feel like my 2 older boys get cheated out of a good mom because I am so emotionally and mentally drained that I feel like I have nothing left. I need a break, I need something, and I feel as though my husband does not understand that at all. I honestly feel like I am losing my mind, and I don't know what to do! I am going to look into counseling, because I am so sick of the insomnia, sick of my mind never stopping, sick of the anger and sadness and resentment. I am emotionally drowning, and I can't seem to figure out a way to swim back up.
I miss my daughter more than I can even express. I feel like I am failing as a mom to my 3 boys, even though they love me through my faults and constant tears. I am so glad that my boys are so sweet and are constantly asking me if I am ok. I love how intune they are with me, even my 3 year old, who has little words, he even knows when I need a hug.
No one tells you what a strain it puts on a marriage when you lose a child. I know the strain it puts on a marriage when you have a special needs child, I'm dealing with that on top of losing my only daughter..... I am waving my white flag. I am so angry and sad all of the time, I have such little patience, and the patience I do have goes to my 3 year old with ASD. I feel like my 2 older boys get cheated out of a good mom because I am so emotionally and mentally drained that I feel like I have nothing left. I need a break, I need something, and I feel as though my husband does not understand that at all. I honestly feel like I am losing my mind, and I don't know what to do! I am going to look into counseling, because I am so sick of the insomnia, sick of my mind never stopping, sick of the anger and sadness and resentment. I am emotionally drowning, and I can't seem to figure out a way to swim back up.
I miss my daughter more than I can even express. I feel like I am failing as a mom to my 3 boys, even though they love me through my faults and constant tears. I am so glad that my boys are so sweet and are constantly asking me if I am ok. I love how intune they are with me, even my 3 year old, who has little words, he even knows when I need a hug.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
6 Months Later
I honestly cannot believe it's been 6 months since I found out my Savannah had passed, I wouldn't go on to deliver her until early morning Dec. 31st..... My NYE will forever be changed. Some days that day feels so far away, and then other days I can remember everything like it was yesterday. What I wouldn't give to hold her again, to kiss her sweet little head again, to gaze upon her tiny hands and feet. She wasn't meant for this Earth, God deemed her too perfect for this Earth, and needed her in Heaven. I definitely have more good days than bad, but these past few weeks have been really hard on me. With my 35th birthday just passing, knowing I'll never have another baby, my birthday was just a day where I was very sad and cried a lot, missing Savannah. Memories of telling the 1st dr I was seeing before I switched, since he never seemed to actually remember his patients, he ALWAYS asked about genetic testing, and I always reminded him, baby is due in March, I'm 35 in June, I'm good...... I knew this birthday would be hard, I just can't believe HOW hard it was. I haven't blogged in a while, since her due date, I'm not sure why, I can't seem to find the words to explain how I feel.
One thing I am thankful for is the resources that Elijah is getting through the school district. He is making so much progress in the small amount of time he's been in school, and that makes my heart happy. You can't help but feel like you've failed as a parent when you lose your only daughter, and then you're dealing with the possible "special needs" label for another child, all within a few months of each other. The more I learn about autism though, the more I don't understand why it's considered "special needs". Yes, he has different needs than the other boys, and he'll learn differently, but I feel like he has just as much potential as my older boys. And to watch him learn and grow is a whole new experience, and I am really enjoying that. I think Savannah gives me a peace with her brother, I know in my heart that everything will be ok, with Elijah, with our family. I miss Savannah more than words could ever express, but I know she is forever with me.
One thing I am thankful for is the resources that Elijah is getting through the school district. He is making so much progress in the small amount of time he's been in school, and that makes my heart happy. You can't help but feel like you've failed as a parent when you lose your only daughter, and then you're dealing with the possible "special needs" label for another child, all within a few months of each other. The more I learn about autism though, the more I don't understand why it's considered "special needs". Yes, he has different needs than the other boys, and he'll learn differently, but I feel like he has just as much potential as my older boys. And to watch him learn and grow is a whole new experience, and I am really enjoying that. I think Savannah gives me a peace with her brother, I know in my heart that everything will be ok, with Elijah, with our family. I miss Savannah more than words could ever express, but I know she is forever with me.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Due Date...........
Well I knew I would dread March, I just didn't think I'd hate this whole month. Truth of the matter, I've been pretty miserable since we found out Savannah was gone. There are definitely days that are easier to cope, and as long as I stay busy, I find myself smiling and laughing a little more. These last few weeks especially though, have been a living hell.... literally.
So on top of dealing with the loss of Savannah, something I never thought in a million years I would ever have to do, I am now patiently awaiting results to find out what is going on with Elijah. As our close friends and family know, we've had a growing concern with his violent tantrums and lack of speech, and this was a year ago..... So we started speech therapy last year, and of course insurance only covers 20 sessions. Thankfully they pointed us in the right direction to Early Intervention Services. I was busy making appointments back in September, he saw a neurologist twice who cleared him of autism, granted there was never any testing done. At first I was ok with that diagnosis, or lack there of, his motor skills are fine, he's social with other kids, and his brothers. But especially the last few months the husband and I noticed his lack of talking, he does say a few words here and there, but not much. His tantrums have gotten a lot more violent, I know most of it is frustration, it's like he speaks a different language than us. But he hits his head hard against anything he can when he gets mad, and now he smacks himself and punches himself in the head. So now we are expecting an autism diagnosis, we've been referred to a neuro psychologist, and we have a meeting with Child Find next week. They will evaluate him to see if he qualifies for longer schooling, which I think he will, since he is so cognitively and speech delayed.
Needless to say, I have a lot going on, and I feel at any moment I may crumble. I am so very thankful for my 2 older boys, they have been wonderful these past few months, coping with the loss of their sister, and me having to spend my extra time and patience with their younger brother. I'm thankful for all my children... my daughter in Heaven included. I am missing her a lot these days. Her due date would have been the 20th, I always told people she would have come early, my boys all did, so I am thinking I would probably be having her around now, I kinda hoped she'd share a birthday with my sister. I'm so angry, I'm supposed to be preparing for a daughter, instead, I have her in her urn here, and I am more than likely going to have to learn a new set of parenting skills, for what they consider "special needs". I am waving my white flag, furiously..... I surrender..
So on top of dealing with the loss of Savannah, something I never thought in a million years I would ever have to do, I am now patiently awaiting results to find out what is going on with Elijah. As our close friends and family know, we've had a growing concern with his violent tantrums and lack of speech, and this was a year ago..... So we started speech therapy last year, and of course insurance only covers 20 sessions. Thankfully they pointed us in the right direction to Early Intervention Services. I was busy making appointments back in September, he saw a neurologist twice who cleared him of autism, granted there was never any testing done. At first I was ok with that diagnosis, or lack there of, his motor skills are fine, he's social with other kids, and his brothers. But especially the last few months the husband and I noticed his lack of talking, he does say a few words here and there, but not much. His tantrums have gotten a lot more violent, I know most of it is frustration, it's like he speaks a different language than us. But he hits his head hard against anything he can when he gets mad, and now he smacks himself and punches himself in the head. So now we are expecting an autism diagnosis, we've been referred to a neuro psychologist, and we have a meeting with Child Find next week. They will evaluate him to see if he qualifies for longer schooling, which I think he will, since he is so cognitively and speech delayed.
Needless to say, I have a lot going on, and I feel at any moment I may crumble. I am so very thankful for my 2 older boys, they have been wonderful these past few months, coping with the loss of their sister, and me having to spend my extra time and patience with their younger brother. I'm thankful for all my children... my daughter in Heaven included. I am missing her a lot these days. Her due date would have been the 20th, I always told people she would have come early, my boys all did, so I am thinking I would probably be having her around now, I kinda hoped she'd share a birthday with my sister. I'm so angry, I'm supposed to be preparing for a daughter, instead, I have her in her urn here, and I am more than likely going to have to learn a new set of parenting skills, for what they consider "special needs". I am waving my white flag, furiously..... I surrender..
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Life Goes On
It's been 5 weeks. One month and some odd days since my baby girl was born sleeping. I'm still trying to process everything, my anger and anxiety is so bad that I called my doctor to have her put me back on antidepressants. Now I just feel numb, which I guess is better than being a blubbering mess all the time. Although today I did break down. Dropping the boys off at school and I see the moms dropping their kindergarteners off who were pregnant with me, but now they have babies in baby carriers. Just made me think of Savannah, and how mad I am that my daughter isn't here with me. Why? Why did she have to die? And I just have to go on existing..... Getting the boys ready for school, housework, laundry...... It just seems so unfair that life goes on without my daughter.
And then last week my cycle starts again. Milk production has stopped so my cycle starts.... yes it's a fresh start, and possibly a chance to try to conceive another baby, but it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. Thankfully the phantom kicks have stopped. Waking up in the middle of the night thinking I'm feeling a baby kick is the worst. I hate this..... there are no words to describe the vast array of emotions I feel every day! I want to scream, cry........ thankfully the Prozac has taken the edge off and I'm not snapping at the boys and the husband.
And then last week my cycle starts again. Milk production has stopped so my cycle starts.... yes it's a fresh start, and possibly a chance to try to conceive another baby, but it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. Thankfully the phantom kicks have stopped. Waking up in the middle of the night thinking I'm feeling a baby kick is the worst. I hate this..... there are no words to describe the vast array of emotions I feel every day! I want to scream, cry........ thankfully the Prozac has taken the edge off and I'm not snapping at the boys and the husband.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Bringing Home Savannah
Well today is the day, the day most mothers look forward to, the day where their baby gets to come home.. The difference in this situation is my baby is coming home in an urn, not in a car seat. I'll never get to hear her cry, see her smile, watch her as she takes her first steps, hear her say Mommy. I won't get to sign her up for dance, or soccer, or whatever it would have been that she wanted to do.... I'll never get to see her graduate, watch her walk down the aisle. Yes, she got to skip all the BS of this world and go straight up to Heaven to be with Jesus, but right now that doesn't make it any easier on me.
I've had a very shitty last few days, surrounded by stupid, thoughtless, inconsiderate people..... Gotta love having to call the ultrasound doctor because you got that reminder call about coming in to check on your baby girl...... and then having to explain to the stupid receptionist as to why I was canceling.....Only to have her say how sorry she was (understandable) and then preceded to tell me not to give up, and to try again..... Like my Savannah didn't matter. As badly as I wanted to tell her to F off (unfortunately with the grieving process, I've picked up swearing.... Not around my kids) I just hung up.
Then the lovely person who texted me to ask how my day was going, knowing full well what has happened, nevermind the fact that this person is expecting a baby this spring too..... and wanted to meet up with me. Yes, because that's what I want to be around right now, someone who wasn't a great friend to begin with, and have the pregnant belly staring me right in the face.
Needless to say, I am dealing with some serious anger. My true friends, they know who they are, aren't in danger of my swearing wrath....Even those people who I don't talk to much who reach out and are honest, and tell me they really don't know what to say. I don't get angry at that..... There are no right words to say to a woman who has just lost a child...... but there are things you want to steer clear of.
I've had a very shitty last few days, surrounded by stupid, thoughtless, inconsiderate people..... Gotta love having to call the ultrasound doctor because you got that reminder call about coming in to check on your baby girl...... and then having to explain to the stupid receptionist as to why I was canceling.....Only to have her say how sorry she was (understandable) and then preceded to tell me not to give up, and to try again..... Like my Savannah didn't matter. As badly as I wanted to tell her to F off (unfortunately with the grieving process, I've picked up swearing.... Not around my kids) I just hung up.
Then the lovely person who texted me to ask how my day was going, knowing full well what has happened, nevermind the fact that this person is expecting a baby this spring too..... and wanted to meet up with me. Yes, because that's what I want to be around right now, someone who wasn't a great friend to begin with, and have the pregnant belly staring me right in the face.
Needless to say, I am dealing with some serious anger. My true friends, they know who they are, aren't in danger of my swearing wrath....Even those people who I don't talk to much who reach out and are honest, and tell me they really don't know what to say. I don't get angry at that..... There are no right words to say to a woman who has just lost a child...... but there are things you want to steer clear of.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Post Partum Follow Up
Had my follow up postpartum appointment yesterday. I was dreading going to the office. Just thinking about what happened last time I was there immediately brings tears to my eyes. Before I had gone to that office just 3 weeks ago, life was normal, I was smiling, happy..... Now I'm trying to learn a new normal, one where I could cry at any minute, and very often I do.....
I'm so grateful to my doctor and her staff. They got me into a room very quickly, but it was there I broke down and sobbed like I did when I found out my baby girl had passed. There to my left was the ultrasound machine, and to my right on the counter was the Doppler. All over the wall were happy baby announcements, announcements I'll never get to send out. So yes, I lost it, and was sobbing when the Dr, came in. She hugged me, and just let me sit there and talk to her and ask questions.... Unfortunately there aren't many answers to my questions: Will this happen again if I do choose to have another baby? Is there any way of knowing if this was a fluke? All I know is I am now considered a "high risk" patient, and will be to see numerous doctors should I get pregnant again.... and who knows if I will. I haven't decided if I want to, a huge part of me does because I yearn for a daughter so badly, but a part of me doesn't want to go through this again..... what if I lose her? What if I have a boy? Yes, I love my boys with all my heart but I want that mother/daughter bond, and I'm so scared of being disappointed if I have another boy. Yes, of course I would love the child regardless, no question about that. But there could be a tiny bit of resentment, who knows. I don't know how I feel about having another baby, and I'm so glad that it's a not a decision that I even have to think about now. I'm still grieving my daughter.
The death certificate was very vague, we requested no autopsy, and thinking back, part of me wishes we had one done, mostly to find out if what killed her was genetic or just a fluke infection. On the death certificate, it states maternal infection..... I know it's just a term, but damn, when I heard that, it was a slap in the face, like something I did killed my baby... It's bad enough that I struggle with that guilt every day, my womb is supposed to protect my babies from the harmful outside world, and apparently something got in there and killed her. I hate that I feel like my body failed her, like I failed her. Yes, there was NO way of knowing my fluid was infected, that's not even something that can be picked up on an ultrasound, but still.....
I'd been having a good day today. Then I open the pantry to make my youngest lunch, and I see the bottle warmer box that had been a gift to us from a friend. So naturally, I cried. I won't get to use that now. Thankfully it's about naptime, and my youngest and I snuggle up and will nap together... I cherish these moments now more than ever, plus I can cry my eyes out and he'll just snuggle me.
I have to hold him tight...... I feel such a void now, in my uterus, in my heart. My daughter was the last piece to the puzzle of our family, and everything still feels so incomplete.
I'm so grateful to my doctor and her staff. They got me into a room very quickly, but it was there I broke down and sobbed like I did when I found out my baby girl had passed. There to my left was the ultrasound machine, and to my right on the counter was the Doppler. All over the wall were happy baby announcements, announcements I'll never get to send out. So yes, I lost it, and was sobbing when the Dr, came in. She hugged me, and just let me sit there and talk to her and ask questions.... Unfortunately there aren't many answers to my questions: Will this happen again if I do choose to have another baby? Is there any way of knowing if this was a fluke? All I know is I am now considered a "high risk" patient, and will be to see numerous doctors should I get pregnant again.... and who knows if I will. I haven't decided if I want to, a huge part of me does because I yearn for a daughter so badly, but a part of me doesn't want to go through this again..... what if I lose her? What if I have a boy? Yes, I love my boys with all my heart but I want that mother/daughter bond, and I'm so scared of being disappointed if I have another boy. Yes, of course I would love the child regardless, no question about that. But there could be a tiny bit of resentment, who knows. I don't know how I feel about having another baby, and I'm so glad that it's a not a decision that I even have to think about now. I'm still grieving my daughter.
The death certificate was very vague, we requested no autopsy, and thinking back, part of me wishes we had one done, mostly to find out if what killed her was genetic or just a fluke infection. On the death certificate, it states maternal infection..... I know it's just a term, but damn, when I heard that, it was a slap in the face, like something I did killed my baby... It's bad enough that I struggle with that guilt every day, my womb is supposed to protect my babies from the harmful outside world, and apparently something got in there and killed her. I hate that I feel like my body failed her, like I failed her. Yes, there was NO way of knowing my fluid was infected, that's not even something that can be picked up on an ultrasound, but still.....
I'd been having a good day today. Then I open the pantry to make my youngest lunch, and I see the bottle warmer box that had been a gift to us from a friend. So naturally, I cried. I won't get to use that now. Thankfully it's about naptime, and my youngest and I snuggle up and will nap together... I cherish these moments now more than ever, plus I can cry my eyes out and he'll just snuggle me.
I have to hold him tight...... I feel such a void now, in my uterus, in my heart. My daughter was the last piece to the puzzle of our family, and everything still feels so incomplete.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
My Story
I am just a normal, scatterbrained mom like most of my mom friends. Trying to juggle the balance between spending quality time with each kid, my husband and working a part time job so that I don't completely lose my sanity. I absolutely loved being pregnant with all 3 of my boys. Yes, the aches and pains got to be unbearable, along with the feeling like I couldn't breathe, but the fact that I was growing a baby inside me and I got to watch each one of them move and kick around was a feeling that never got old. And after I had my 3rd son, I thought I was done having kids. But as he started getting a little older (he'll be 3 soon, so he's not THAT old) I felt as though maybe having an even number of kids was the way to go. Trust me, if you would have told me 10 years ago that I'd be married with 3, thinking of 4, kids, I would have laughed and told you that you were nuts. Not that I didn't want kids, I always knew that I'd eventually have kids. My first was a surprise, but at 27 years old, it was what it was, and although I was freaked out at becoming a mom, I couldn't wait.
Last summer, my husband and I had kinda talked about having 1 more baby. He always joked with me that he wanted 5 or 6 kids when we first got married, never thought we would ever have THAT many, but like I said, the balance of kids seemed off with 3. I always know when I'm pregnant, I can take a test before I'm late and that thing pops up positive right away. So lo and behold, the beginning of July, I'm feeling a little more tired than normal, I had gotten a call from my doctor earlier in the day to tell me I needed to have a small procedure done. I knew if I were pregnant, I couldn't have it done, so I took a test just to be on the safe side, and bam positive. It was the first time I took a test that I wasn't super stoked I was pregnant. I was scared, nervous. I feel overwhelmed most days with my 3 boys, what's going to happen when I add a 4th to the mix, not to mention I had just reapplied for Metro and had gotten on the hiring list quite quickly this time around. So the timing was not the best, but we always made it work in the past. Then the bleeding started. I didn't even know how far along I was, but I knew that what was happening didn't seem normal. I spotted with my boys, but this was different. After 7 hours at the ER, I thankfully was sent home with a diagnosis of a nasty UTI (which was causing the bleeding), a decent sized cyst on my ovary, and then I was told that there was a blood clot near the placenta. However, I did get to see my tiny peanut sized baby and the heartbeat, so I was more than relieved that all was good there. Unfortunately I did not get so lucky with this pregnancy and no morning sickness..... I was nauseous ALL the time, and the meds for the UTI just made it worse. I spent most of my 1st trimester in bed, too sick and dizzy to do anything. I was so happy once I reached the 13 week mark and was no longer considered "high risk" for miscarriage.
2nd trimester would be a breeze I thought, I was so sick in the beginning that everything else had to be cake. Ha, not so much. It didn't help that I didn't like my OB, he never followed up with the blood clot, and he treated me like every other patient, just asking small talk questions, not really wanting to know how the pregnancy was going. Never followed up with blood work, so I felt very in the dark about everything. Then at 15 weeks, I started spotting a bit and having contractions. I had Braxton Hicks with my boys, but that usually happened at 25+ weeks, not this early. Thankfully with a little more bedrest, they subsided.
Our big ultrasound day was in October. I was hoping I was carrying a little girl, this pregnancy had been a complete 180 from my boys, I was extremely depressed and hormonal and very sick, but I didn't get my hopes up. The tech confirmed very quickly that I had a daughter in me. I cried, and I was in disbelief for a good week or 2. I was FINALLY getting my daughter, I was over the moon excited, my husband, not so much, and it took him a few weeks to finally come around so we could pick a name for her. We finally decided on Savannah and chose Michelle for the middle name because she was my best friend growing up and we're still very close after 30+years.
At my 24 week check up and ultrasound, she was moving around like crazy, partly because I had done my glucose test that morning. Everything looked great, she was growing perfectly, the doctor was a little concerned that one of her kidneys was slightly enlarged, but he just scheduled me for a follow up ultrasound in 7 weeks to make sure it had worked itself out. Never would I have imagined that I would never make it to that appointment.
A few days later, the beginning of December, I noticed that she wasn't moving around as much. I was told by so many people that little girls were different and that their boys moved around like crazy, but their girls didn't. I was in tears a lot of the time because I worried there was something wrong. I even went to the hospital to be monitored, and they found the heartbeat right away, and she started moving a little bit more. As the weeks went on, she'd move a little here and there, but nothing like she was. A few days before my appointment, I ate a big bowl of sugar filled cereal and laid down to go to sleep, and felt a jolt on my right side. Movement, I was so happy, plus my appointment was in 2 days, so I could see for myself I was just being paranoid.
December 30th, the last "normal" day for me.... My boys were on Christmas break and were supposed to come with me to the appointment so they could hear their baby sister's heartbeat. But they love their babysitter, so when they found out she was coming over, they decided not to come with me. So I went alone.... excited because I wanted all my fears to go away, and I wanted to start getting ready for my baby shower. I had planned on going to register for her the next day. My first red flag was when they weighed me and I hadn't gained any weight, but I just thought, hey I'm actually eating good with her. I got to see the PA (I switched doctors in October, and so grateful that I had) and I loved her, we sat and chatted for a bit before she checked me out. Measured me, I measured 28 weeks, where I was supposed to be, and then was having issues with the Doppler. So we decided to do an ultrasound, and the machine wasn't working, so they moved rooms. She still was having a hard time, so she went out to get the doctor (not my doctor, but another from the practice) and he looked at her, asked me if I had any issues with any of my other pregnancies, and I said nope none. Then all got quiet, and he says "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your baby does not have a heartbeat". Wait, what? No, I'm supposed to be here having them tell me I've just been paranoid this whole month, not for them to tell me that my baby girl is dead. I cried, of course, I was more in disbelief than anything, and I sat up and asked him "Ok, now what? I can't just keep carrying her, do I go to the hospital? What happens now?". Basically I was told I didn't have to be induced right away, but that I would have to have her in the next few days. After they left the room, I sobbed, and dreaded having to make that phone call to my husband, to tell him that yes, this whole time I thought something was off, something really was off.
We decided to go to the hospital that night, I couldn't bear the thought of carrying my baby, knowing she wasn't living anymore. The labor experience was THE worst of my life...... knowing I was going through all these motions and I was going to be delivering a baby who wouldn't cry, wouldn't move, wouldn't even open her eyes for me. After almost 13 hours, she came, and I got to spend the day (with my husband), holding her. The epidural they gave me was too strong in my legs, so I couldn't get up for a while after I had her, my husband got to bathe her, got to help do her handprints and footprints. I still couldn't believe what was happening, I was hoping everything was just a bad dream. No way could my only baby girl be gone, with no explanation at all......
It's been 2.5 weeks since every mother's worst nightmare, I know people mean well when they come up to me with sadness in their eyes and ask how I am. I just tell them I have my good days and my bad days, when I really want to scream How do you think I am? I had to birth a baby who had already passed away, I had to leave the hospital empty handed, I will NEVER get to watch my baby girl grow up......... I still have to heal physically from labor, even though I have no baby. I had milk come in, and no baby to feed. My boys still come up to me and hug and kiss my stomach out of habit because they would do that before they'd go to school in the morning. I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces, and as much as the prayers and love and gifts from friends do help, nothing can bring my daughter back. I don't sleep at night because my body is programmed to wake up every few hours to feed a newborn. And when I do sleep, it's filled with dreams and nightmares of my baby girl. So no, right now, I'm not doing ok. I cry all the time, even though you don't see it. I'm angry that I have no baby girl here with me, and so many others around me are having babies. Yes, I do take comfort that she is with Jesus and is in no pain, but it does not take my heartache and pain away. And the shittiest part about this all is that life just goes on. I just want time to stop so I can grieve my baby girl, but time doesn't stop. Kids still need attention, laundry still needs to be done....... it's like it didn't happen, but for me, it's all I think about. It consumes me. I miss her so much and ache for her to be in my arms.
So that's my story. I started this blog because I need to get these feelings out. I want to not feel so sad and numb, and yes I've been told time heals all wounds....... I don't want this to heal. I just want my girl back. :'(
Last summer, my husband and I had kinda talked about having 1 more baby. He always joked with me that he wanted 5 or 6 kids when we first got married, never thought we would ever have THAT many, but like I said, the balance of kids seemed off with 3. I always know when I'm pregnant, I can take a test before I'm late and that thing pops up positive right away. So lo and behold, the beginning of July, I'm feeling a little more tired than normal, I had gotten a call from my doctor earlier in the day to tell me I needed to have a small procedure done. I knew if I were pregnant, I couldn't have it done, so I took a test just to be on the safe side, and bam positive. It was the first time I took a test that I wasn't super stoked I was pregnant. I was scared, nervous. I feel overwhelmed most days with my 3 boys, what's going to happen when I add a 4th to the mix, not to mention I had just reapplied for Metro and had gotten on the hiring list quite quickly this time around. So the timing was not the best, but we always made it work in the past. Then the bleeding started. I didn't even know how far along I was, but I knew that what was happening didn't seem normal. I spotted with my boys, but this was different. After 7 hours at the ER, I thankfully was sent home with a diagnosis of a nasty UTI (which was causing the bleeding), a decent sized cyst on my ovary, and then I was told that there was a blood clot near the placenta. However, I did get to see my tiny peanut sized baby and the heartbeat, so I was more than relieved that all was good there. Unfortunately I did not get so lucky with this pregnancy and no morning sickness..... I was nauseous ALL the time, and the meds for the UTI just made it worse. I spent most of my 1st trimester in bed, too sick and dizzy to do anything. I was so happy once I reached the 13 week mark and was no longer considered "high risk" for miscarriage.
2nd trimester would be a breeze I thought, I was so sick in the beginning that everything else had to be cake. Ha, not so much. It didn't help that I didn't like my OB, he never followed up with the blood clot, and he treated me like every other patient, just asking small talk questions, not really wanting to know how the pregnancy was going. Never followed up with blood work, so I felt very in the dark about everything. Then at 15 weeks, I started spotting a bit and having contractions. I had Braxton Hicks with my boys, but that usually happened at 25+ weeks, not this early. Thankfully with a little more bedrest, they subsided.
Our big ultrasound day was in October. I was hoping I was carrying a little girl, this pregnancy had been a complete 180 from my boys, I was extremely depressed and hormonal and very sick, but I didn't get my hopes up. The tech confirmed very quickly that I had a daughter in me. I cried, and I was in disbelief for a good week or 2. I was FINALLY getting my daughter, I was over the moon excited, my husband, not so much, and it took him a few weeks to finally come around so we could pick a name for her. We finally decided on Savannah and chose Michelle for the middle name because she was my best friend growing up and we're still very close after 30+years.
At my 24 week check up and ultrasound, she was moving around like crazy, partly because I had done my glucose test that morning. Everything looked great, she was growing perfectly, the doctor was a little concerned that one of her kidneys was slightly enlarged, but he just scheduled me for a follow up ultrasound in 7 weeks to make sure it had worked itself out. Never would I have imagined that I would never make it to that appointment.
A few days later, the beginning of December, I noticed that she wasn't moving around as much. I was told by so many people that little girls were different and that their boys moved around like crazy, but their girls didn't. I was in tears a lot of the time because I worried there was something wrong. I even went to the hospital to be monitored, and they found the heartbeat right away, and she started moving a little bit more. As the weeks went on, she'd move a little here and there, but nothing like she was. A few days before my appointment, I ate a big bowl of sugar filled cereal and laid down to go to sleep, and felt a jolt on my right side. Movement, I was so happy, plus my appointment was in 2 days, so I could see for myself I was just being paranoid.
December 30th, the last "normal" day for me.... My boys were on Christmas break and were supposed to come with me to the appointment so they could hear their baby sister's heartbeat. But they love their babysitter, so when they found out she was coming over, they decided not to come with me. So I went alone.... excited because I wanted all my fears to go away, and I wanted to start getting ready for my baby shower. I had planned on going to register for her the next day. My first red flag was when they weighed me and I hadn't gained any weight, but I just thought, hey I'm actually eating good with her. I got to see the PA (I switched doctors in October, and so grateful that I had) and I loved her, we sat and chatted for a bit before she checked me out. Measured me, I measured 28 weeks, where I was supposed to be, and then was having issues with the Doppler. So we decided to do an ultrasound, and the machine wasn't working, so they moved rooms. She still was having a hard time, so she went out to get the doctor (not my doctor, but another from the practice) and he looked at her, asked me if I had any issues with any of my other pregnancies, and I said nope none. Then all got quiet, and he says "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your baby does not have a heartbeat". Wait, what? No, I'm supposed to be here having them tell me I've just been paranoid this whole month, not for them to tell me that my baby girl is dead. I cried, of course, I was more in disbelief than anything, and I sat up and asked him "Ok, now what? I can't just keep carrying her, do I go to the hospital? What happens now?". Basically I was told I didn't have to be induced right away, but that I would have to have her in the next few days. After they left the room, I sobbed, and dreaded having to make that phone call to my husband, to tell him that yes, this whole time I thought something was off, something really was off.
We decided to go to the hospital that night, I couldn't bear the thought of carrying my baby, knowing she wasn't living anymore. The labor experience was THE worst of my life...... knowing I was going through all these motions and I was going to be delivering a baby who wouldn't cry, wouldn't move, wouldn't even open her eyes for me. After almost 13 hours, she came, and I got to spend the day (with my husband), holding her. The epidural they gave me was too strong in my legs, so I couldn't get up for a while after I had her, my husband got to bathe her, got to help do her handprints and footprints. I still couldn't believe what was happening, I was hoping everything was just a bad dream. No way could my only baby girl be gone, with no explanation at all......
It's been 2.5 weeks since every mother's worst nightmare, I know people mean well when they come up to me with sadness in their eyes and ask how I am. I just tell them I have my good days and my bad days, when I really want to scream How do you think I am? I had to birth a baby who had already passed away, I had to leave the hospital empty handed, I will NEVER get to watch my baby girl grow up......... I still have to heal physically from labor, even though I have no baby. I had milk come in, and no baby to feed. My boys still come up to me and hug and kiss my stomach out of habit because they would do that before they'd go to school in the morning. I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces, and as much as the prayers and love and gifts from friends do help, nothing can bring my daughter back. I don't sleep at night because my body is programmed to wake up every few hours to feed a newborn. And when I do sleep, it's filled with dreams and nightmares of my baby girl. So no, right now, I'm not doing ok. I cry all the time, even though you don't see it. I'm angry that I have no baby girl here with me, and so many others around me are having babies. Yes, I do take comfort that she is with Jesus and is in no pain, but it does not take my heartache and pain away. And the shittiest part about this all is that life just goes on. I just want time to stop so I can grieve my baby girl, but time doesn't stop. Kids still need attention, laundry still needs to be done....... it's like it didn't happen, but for me, it's all I think about. It consumes me. I miss her so much and ache for her to be in my arms.
So that's my story. I started this blog because I need to get these feelings out. I want to not feel so sad and numb, and yes I've been told time heals all wounds....... I don't want this to heal. I just want my girl back. :'(
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