I'm beginning to think that I just suppressed all of my feelings when Savannah came sleeping into this world. For some reason, I seem to feel it SO much more lately, her void, the fact that I am minus one child. Yes, everyone wants to tell me that I should look at the 3 blessings in front of me, and I do, I will forever be grateful that God has blessed me with 3 wonderful and smart boys. But it makes it seem as though I am not allowed to grieve my daughter. So many "what ifs" constantly pop into my head. I knew there was something not right the whole month of December, why didn't I follow up with my doctor more? Why does an acquaintance of mine have her baby, also at 29 weeks, and he lives, and my Savannah had to die?
No one tells you what a strain it puts on a marriage when you lose a child. I know the strain it puts on a marriage when you have a special needs child, I'm dealing with that on top of losing my only daughter..... I am waving my white flag. I am so angry and sad all of the time, I have such little patience, and the patience I do have goes to my 3 year old with ASD. I feel like my 2 older boys get cheated out of a good mom because I am so emotionally and mentally drained that I feel like I have nothing left. I need a break, I need something, and I feel as though my husband does not understand that at all. I honestly feel like I am losing my mind, and I don't know what to do! I am going to look into counseling, because I am so sick of the insomnia, sick of my mind never stopping, sick of the anger and sadness and resentment. I am emotionally drowning, and I can't seem to figure out a way to swim back up.
I miss my daughter more than I can even express. I feel like I am failing as a mom to my 3 boys, even though they love me through my faults and constant tears. I am so glad that my boys are so sweet and are constantly asking me if I am ok. I love how intune they are with me, even my 3 year old, who has little words, he even knows when I need a hug.
