I think I've come to the conclusion that I will never be the same...... I don't even want to blog anymore because I just want to escape the sad thoughts swimming constantly through my mind. As the holidays approach, I am made very aware that I am missing a child. Seeing the empty chair at the table on Thanksgiving, and tonight, as my boys put up Christmas decorations, the excitement they get out of finding and hanging their stockings....... I thought I'd have a pink stocking to hang this year. I spent 10 hours with a good friend Black Friday shopping, I just got to vent and talk about all my anxiety and troubles, and my wonderful friend just listened..... I was made aware that I will not be buying little girl toys and little girl Christmas dresses. It's a giant slap in the face for me, especially since my husband and I cannot find common ground to have another child. I want to, he doesn't, neither one of us is budging in our decision. There's already a huge rift between us, and for me it just seems to be getting bigger and I become more unhappy. I keep saying I am going to seek counseling, I think I will actually do it, as I have some decisions I feel I may need to make, regarding a lot of things. My job is amazing, I am beyond happy there, I have a lot of anger and resentment built up, I feel a lot of it is geared toward my husband. Who knows...... I just can't handle the sleepless nights, and the nightmares, and the sadness of missing my daughter.
Tomorrow I start the 21 Day Fix. I am going to fight this depression any way I can. I am going to eat healthy and work out, and drink my Starbucks in moderation... can't give that up completely, ha ha!! I'm going to touch up my hair color and get my nails done, just a little something for me, I need it..... I'm getting desperate. I've really dove into reading, I reread the 50 Shades series, actually enjoyed it this time around....go figure, I think it's just because I need something, anything, to help me escape reality for a bit. I am practicing more patience with my boys, it's not their fault I'm sad, and I can't take it out on them, I'm the only mom they have, I want to be a good one. They ask about their sister a lot, mostly what Heaven's like and that they can't wait to meet her and hold her. I really have been blessed with the sweetest boys. I love them so!
I will update more once counseling starts, and maybe, I'll be brave enough to post before and after pics of my workout...... maybe.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Friday, September 11, 2015
Smiling through the sadness
It's been 8 and a half months since I lost Savannah. I hate that word "lost"........ Like I forgot her somewhere, or I left her behind, like it was a choice. It wasn't a choice, I would never CHOOSE this journey for ANYONE. There are not many people I dislike, if fact, at this moment, no one comes to mind, but I would never wish this pain on my worst enemy. It sucks, my brain never stops going. I don't have a choice but to push through. Some days it's easier to push through than others, but lately, it feels like the world is crashing down around me. I SHOULD be happy. I FINALLY got the call from Metro, after trying for 4 years to get on with the "Blue" family, I did! And I got an ideal schedule for the family, SCORE! I would be gone during the day while the kids are at school, and would only need a few hours of childcare until I could get home. I was so excited, this was the new beginning I needed. I wanted to make my Savannah so proud!
I'm 3 weeks in to my new job, which I absolutely LOVE! I know, it's only been 3 weeks, but honestly, everyone I have talked to, everyone I work with, seems to still enjoy what they do, and some of these people have been there for 10+ years. I'm excited to have this brand new career, a career with so much growth opportunity, a career that will help provide for my family, a career that I will eventually retire from. That aspect of my life is fantastic, I have NO complaints there. I have been extremely blessed. I feel like everything else seems to be crumbling. Tensions run high at the house on the weekends now. I feel as though I am still expected to do the things I did when I stayed at home with the kids. And I get angry at those expectations, although I probably am just putting them on myself. My kids seem to be acting out more, mostly my oldest one, he's already got the sass and attitude of a teenage, God help me in a few years. I pick him up from Safekey, and holy crow the tantrum he throws. Mind you, his brother screams in joy when he sees me, grabs his backpack and is ready to head out the door. So I dread pickup. And since I work in an area that has NO cell service, it's hard to reach me during the day...... I sit at work and stress a little about that. And of course, I have a voicemail today from my youngest's teacher. He's been peeing his pants lately, and pooped in them today. And she couldn't get a hold of anyone. So basically I sit here, frustrated, because I NEED to do something for me, I feel at this point if I don't, I will literally lose my mind. This job is for ME, yes it's for my family too, the extra income is wonderful, but this is something I worked hard for, I earned this job. I got through all the testing and hoops and polygraph TWICE. And I feel like because I am working, the family is falling apart, the hubby and I don't seem to have a lot of time together, and again, that word, expectation, comes out. I feel like it's my fault this is all happening, and I'm angry because I will not quit this place. I will push through all the crap that is being thrown at me. I just don't know how much more CRAP I can take.
I'm not sure if I've ever actually admitted to needing a counselor. I have reached that point. I am sad, and angry, and depressed, and anxious.... ALL the time. I get little bursts of happiness here and there, but for the most part, I am just irritable, and I seem to snap at the boys and the husband. I know I've mentioned that I feel like ALL my patience goes into my youngest son, which I am ok with, but I just feel like there is no more patience left. I just feel myself getting angrier and more sad everyday. More nights than not, I cry myself to sleep. And I ALWAYS wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding out of my chest, mid panic attack. I'm so sick of it. I just want it to stop. I took my Savannah's urn and laid in bed with it, just holding it and sobbing. I held a lot of anger before she died, but now it's just intensified. I'm not even 100% sure where the anger comes from, but I know it gets directed at the boys, and my husband, mostly him. I know I have to be happy with myself, I can't expect anyone to make me happy...... I grasp that fact. The thing is, I'm not sure I've ever truly been happy with myself. Battling depression on and off since I was 13, a lot of self doubt is poured in there..... I definitely have a lot more confidence in myself than I did as a teenager, but I feel like I'm just smiling through my sadness..... I have to put on this happy face to hide the pain I feel inside.
So until I find a counselor to really pour my thoughts out to, I will have to do just that, smile through my sadness.
I'm 3 weeks in to my new job, which I absolutely LOVE! I know, it's only been 3 weeks, but honestly, everyone I have talked to, everyone I work with, seems to still enjoy what they do, and some of these people have been there for 10+ years. I'm excited to have this brand new career, a career with so much growth opportunity, a career that will help provide for my family, a career that I will eventually retire from. That aspect of my life is fantastic, I have NO complaints there. I have been extremely blessed. I feel like everything else seems to be crumbling. Tensions run high at the house on the weekends now. I feel as though I am still expected to do the things I did when I stayed at home with the kids. And I get angry at those expectations, although I probably am just putting them on myself. My kids seem to be acting out more, mostly my oldest one, he's already got the sass and attitude of a teenage, God help me in a few years. I pick him up from Safekey, and holy crow the tantrum he throws. Mind you, his brother screams in joy when he sees me, grabs his backpack and is ready to head out the door. So I dread pickup. And since I work in an area that has NO cell service, it's hard to reach me during the day...... I sit at work and stress a little about that. And of course, I have a voicemail today from my youngest's teacher. He's been peeing his pants lately, and pooped in them today. And she couldn't get a hold of anyone. So basically I sit here, frustrated, because I NEED to do something for me, I feel at this point if I don't, I will literally lose my mind. This job is for ME, yes it's for my family too, the extra income is wonderful, but this is something I worked hard for, I earned this job. I got through all the testing and hoops and polygraph TWICE. And I feel like because I am working, the family is falling apart, the hubby and I don't seem to have a lot of time together, and again, that word, expectation, comes out. I feel like it's my fault this is all happening, and I'm angry because I will not quit this place. I will push through all the crap that is being thrown at me. I just don't know how much more CRAP I can take.
I'm not sure if I've ever actually admitted to needing a counselor. I have reached that point. I am sad, and angry, and depressed, and anxious.... ALL the time. I get little bursts of happiness here and there, but for the most part, I am just irritable, and I seem to snap at the boys and the husband. I know I've mentioned that I feel like ALL my patience goes into my youngest son, which I am ok with, but I just feel like there is no more patience left. I just feel myself getting angrier and more sad everyday. More nights than not, I cry myself to sleep. And I ALWAYS wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding out of my chest, mid panic attack. I'm so sick of it. I just want it to stop. I took my Savannah's urn and laid in bed with it, just holding it and sobbing. I held a lot of anger before she died, but now it's just intensified. I'm not even 100% sure where the anger comes from, but I know it gets directed at the boys, and my husband, mostly him. I know I have to be happy with myself, I can't expect anyone to make me happy...... I grasp that fact. The thing is, I'm not sure I've ever truly been happy with myself. Battling depression on and off since I was 13, a lot of self doubt is poured in there..... I definitely have a lot more confidence in myself than I did as a teenager, but I feel like I'm just smiling through my sadness..... I have to put on this happy face to hide the pain I feel inside.
So until I find a counselor to really pour my thoughts out to, I will have to do just that, smile through my sadness.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Drowning.......
I'm beginning to think that I just suppressed all of my feelings when Savannah came sleeping into this world. For some reason, I seem to feel it SO much more lately, her void, the fact that I am minus one child. Yes, everyone wants to tell me that I should look at the 3 blessings in front of me, and I do, I will forever be grateful that God has blessed me with 3 wonderful and smart boys. But it makes it seem as though I am not allowed to grieve my daughter. So many "what ifs" constantly pop into my head. I knew there was something not right the whole month of December, why didn't I follow up with my doctor more? Why does an acquaintance of mine have her baby, also at 29 weeks, and he lives, and my Savannah had to die?
No one tells you what a strain it puts on a marriage when you lose a child. I know the strain it puts on a marriage when you have a special needs child, I'm dealing with that on top of losing my only daughter..... I am waving my white flag. I am so angry and sad all of the time, I have such little patience, and the patience I do have goes to my 3 year old with ASD. I feel like my 2 older boys get cheated out of a good mom because I am so emotionally and mentally drained that I feel like I have nothing left. I need a break, I need something, and I feel as though my husband does not understand that at all. I honestly feel like I am losing my mind, and I don't know what to do! I am going to look into counseling, because I am so sick of the insomnia, sick of my mind never stopping, sick of the anger and sadness and resentment. I am emotionally drowning, and I can't seem to figure out a way to swim back up.
I miss my daughter more than I can even express. I feel like I am failing as a mom to my 3 boys, even though they love me through my faults and constant tears. I am so glad that my boys are so sweet and are constantly asking me if I am ok. I love how intune they are with me, even my 3 year old, who has little words, he even knows when I need a hug.
No one tells you what a strain it puts on a marriage when you lose a child. I know the strain it puts on a marriage when you have a special needs child, I'm dealing with that on top of losing my only daughter..... I am waving my white flag. I am so angry and sad all of the time, I have such little patience, and the patience I do have goes to my 3 year old with ASD. I feel like my 2 older boys get cheated out of a good mom because I am so emotionally and mentally drained that I feel like I have nothing left. I need a break, I need something, and I feel as though my husband does not understand that at all. I honestly feel like I am losing my mind, and I don't know what to do! I am going to look into counseling, because I am so sick of the insomnia, sick of my mind never stopping, sick of the anger and sadness and resentment. I am emotionally drowning, and I can't seem to figure out a way to swim back up.
I miss my daughter more than I can even express. I feel like I am failing as a mom to my 3 boys, even though they love me through my faults and constant tears. I am so glad that my boys are so sweet and are constantly asking me if I am ok. I love how intune they are with me, even my 3 year old, who has little words, he even knows when I need a hug.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
6 Months Later
I honestly cannot believe it's been 6 months since I found out my Savannah had passed, I wouldn't go on to deliver her until early morning Dec. 31st..... My NYE will forever be changed. Some days that day feels so far away, and then other days I can remember everything like it was yesterday. What I wouldn't give to hold her again, to kiss her sweet little head again, to gaze upon her tiny hands and feet. She wasn't meant for this Earth, God deemed her too perfect for this Earth, and needed her in Heaven. I definitely have more good days than bad, but these past few weeks have been really hard on me. With my 35th birthday just passing, knowing I'll never have another baby, my birthday was just a day where I was very sad and cried a lot, missing Savannah. Memories of telling the 1st dr I was seeing before I switched, since he never seemed to actually remember his patients, he ALWAYS asked about genetic testing, and I always reminded him, baby is due in March, I'm 35 in June, I'm good...... I knew this birthday would be hard, I just can't believe HOW hard it was. I haven't blogged in a while, since her due date, I'm not sure why, I can't seem to find the words to explain how I feel.
One thing I am thankful for is the resources that Elijah is getting through the school district. He is making so much progress in the small amount of time he's been in school, and that makes my heart happy. You can't help but feel like you've failed as a parent when you lose your only daughter, and then you're dealing with the possible "special needs" label for another child, all within a few months of each other. The more I learn about autism though, the more I don't understand why it's considered "special needs". Yes, he has different needs than the other boys, and he'll learn differently, but I feel like he has just as much potential as my older boys. And to watch him learn and grow is a whole new experience, and I am really enjoying that. I think Savannah gives me a peace with her brother, I know in my heart that everything will be ok, with Elijah, with our family. I miss Savannah more than words could ever express, but I know she is forever with me.
One thing I am thankful for is the resources that Elijah is getting through the school district. He is making so much progress in the small amount of time he's been in school, and that makes my heart happy. You can't help but feel like you've failed as a parent when you lose your only daughter, and then you're dealing with the possible "special needs" label for another child, all within a few months of each other. The more I learn about autism though, the more I don't understand why it's considered "special needs". Yes, he has different needs than the other boys, and he'll learn differently, but I feel like he has just as much potential as my older boys. And to watch him learn and grow is a whole new experience, and I am really enjoying that. I think Savannah gives me a peace with her brother, I know in my heart that everything will be ok, with Elijah, with our family. I miss Savannah more than words could ever express, but I know she is forever with me.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Due Date...........
Well I knew I would dread March, I just didn't think I'd hate this whole month. Truth of the matter, I've been pretty miserable since we found out Savannah was gone. There are definitely days that are easier to cope, and as long as I stay busy, I find myself smiling and laughing a little more. These last few weeks especially though, have been a living hell.... literally.
So on top of dealing with the loss of Savannah, something I never thought in a million years I would ever have to do, I am now patiently awaiting results to find out what is going on with Elijah. As our close friends and family know, we've had a growing concern with his violent tantrums and lack of speech, and this was a year ago..... So we started speech therapy last year, and of course insurance only covers 20 sessions. Thankfully they pointed us in the right direction to Early Intervention Services. I was busy making appointments back in September, he saw a neurologist twice who cleared him of autism, granted there was never any testing done. At first I was ok with that diagnosis, or lack there of, his motor skills are fine, he's social with other kids, and his brothers. But especially the last few months the husband and I noticed his lack of talking, he does say a few words here and there, but not much. His tantrums have gotten a lot more violent, I know most of it is frustration, it's like he speaks a different language than us. But he hits his head hard against anything he can when he gets mad, and now he smacks himself and punches himself in the head. So now we are expecting an autism diagnosis, we've been referred to a neuro psychologist, and we have a meeting with Child Find next week. They will evaluate him to see if he qualifies for longer schooling, which I think he will, since he is so cognitively and speech delayed.
Needless to say, I have a lot going on, and I feel at any moment I may crumble. I am so very thankful for my 2 older boys, they have been wonderful these past few months, coping with the loss of their sister, and me having to spend my extra time and patience with their younger brother. I'm thankful for all my children... my daughter in Heaven included. I am missing her a lot these days. Her due date would have been the 20th, I always told people she would have come early, my boys all did, so I am thinking I would probably be having her around now, I kinda hoped she'd share a birthday with my sister. I'm so angry, I'm supposed to be preparing for a daughter, instead, I have her in her urn here, and I am more than likely going to have to learn a new set of parenting skills, for what they consider "special needs". I am waving my white flag, furiously..... I surrender..
So on top of dealing with the loss of Savannah, something I never thought in a million years I would ever have to do, I am now patiently awaiting results to find out what is going on with Elijah. As our close friends and family know, we've had a growing concern with his violent tantrums and lack of speech, and this was a year ago..... So we started speech therapy last year, and of course insurance only covers 20 sessions. Thankfully they pointed us in the right direction to Early Intervention Services. I was busy making appointments back in September, he saw a neurologist twice who cleared him of autism, granted there was never any testing done. At first I was ok with that diagnosis, or lack there of, his motor skills are fine, he's social with other kids, and his brothers. But especially the last few months the husband and I noticed his lack of talking, he does say a few words here and there, but not much. His tantrums have gotten a lot more violent, I know most of it is frustration, it's like he speaks a different language than us. But he hits his head hard against anything he can when he gets mad, and now he smacks himself and punches himself in the head. So now we are expecting an autism diagnosis, we've been referred to a neuro psychologist, and we have a meeting with Child Find next week. They will evaluate him to see if he qualifies for longer schooling, which I think he will, since he is so cognitively and speech delayed.
Needless to say, I have a lot going on, and I feel at any moment I may crumble. I am so very thankful for my 2 older boys, they have been wonderful these past few months, coping with the loss of their sister, and me having to spend my extra time and patience with their younger brother. I'm thankful for all my children... my daughter in Heaven included. I am missing her a lot these days. Her due date would have been the 20th, I always told people she would have come early, my boys all did, so I am thinking I would probably be having her around now, I kinda hoped she'd share a birthday with my sister. I'm so angry, I'm supposed to be preparing for a daughter, instead, I have her in her urn here, and I am more than likely going to have to learn a new set of parenting skills, for what they consider "special needs". I am waving my white flag, furiously..... I surrender..
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Life Goes On
It's been 5 weeks. One month and some odd days since my baby girl was born sleeping. I'm still trying to process everything, my anger and anxiety is so bad that I called my doctor to have her put me back on antidepressants. Now I just feel numb, which I guess is better than being a blubbering mess all the time. Although today I did break down. Dropping the boys off at school and I see the moms dropping their kindergarteners off who were pregnant with me, but now they have babies in baby carriers. Just made me think of Savannah, and how mad I am that my daughter isn't here with me. Why? Why did she have to die? And I just have to go on existing..... Getting the boys ready for school, housework, laundry...... It just seems so unfair that life goes on without my daughter.
And then last week my cycle starts again. Milk production has stopped so my cycle starts.... yes it's a fresh start, and possibly a chance to try to conceive another baby, but it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. Thankfully the phantom kicks have stopped. Waking up in the middle of the night thinking I'm feeling a baby kick is the worst. I hate this..... there are no words to describe the vast array of emotions I feel every day! I want to scream, cry........ thankfully the Prozac has taken the edge off and I'm not snapping at the boys and the husband.
And then last week my cycle starts again. Milk production has stopped so my cycle starts.... yes it's a fresh start, and possibly a chance to try to conceive another baby, but it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. Thankfully the phantom kicks have stopped. Waking up in the middle of the night thinking I'm feeling a baby kick is the worst. I hate this..... there are no words to describe the vast array of emotions I feel every day! I want to scream, cry........ thankfully the Prozac has taken the edge off and I'm not snapping at the boys and the husband.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Bringing Home Savannah
Well today is the day, the day most mothers look forward to, the day where their baby gets to come home.. The difference in this situation is my baby is coming home in an urn, not in a car seat. I'll never get to hear her cry, see her smile, watch her as she takes her first steps, hear her say Mommy. I won't get to sign her up for dance, or soccer, or whatever it would have been that she wanted to do.... I'll never get to see her graduate, watch her walk down the aisle. Yes, she got to skip all the BS of this world and go straight up to Heaven to be with Jesus, but right now that doesn't make it any easier on me.
I've had a very shitty last few days, surrounded by stupid, thoughtless, inconsiderate people..... Gotta love having to call the ultrasound doctor because you got that reminder call about coming in to check on your baby girl...... and then having to explain to the stupid receptionist as to why I was canceling.....Only to have her say how sorry she was (understandable) and then preceded to tell me not to give up, and to try again..... Like my Savannah didn't matter. As badly as I wanted to tell her to F off (unfortunately with the grieving process, I've picked up swearing.... Not around my kids) I just hung up.
Then the lovely person who texted me to ask how my day was going, knowing full well what has happened, nevermind the fact that this person is expecting a baby this spring too..... and wanted to meet up with me. Yes, because that's what I want to be around right now, someone who wasn't a great friend to begin with, and have the pregnant belly staring me right in the face.
Needless to say, I am dealing with some serious anger. My true friends, they know who they are, aren't in danger of my swearing wrath....Even those people who I don't talk to much who reach out and are honest, and tell me they really don't know what to say. I don't get angry at that..... There are no right words to say to a woman who has just lost a child...... but there are things you want to steer clear of.
I've had a very shitty last few days, surrounded by stupid, thoughtless, inconsiderate people..... Gotta love having to call the ultrasound doctor because you got that reminder call about coming in to check on your baby girl...... and then having to explain to the stupid receptionist as to why I was canceling.....Only to have her say how sorry she was (understandable) and then preceded to tell me not to give up, and to try again..... Like my Savannah didn't matter. As badly as I wanted to tell her to F off (unfortunately with the grieving process, I've picked up swearing.... Not around my kids) I just hung up.
Then the lovely person who texted me to ask how my day was going, knowing full well what has happened, nevermind the fact that this person is expecting a baby this spring too..... and wanted to meet up with me. Yes, because that's what I want to be around right now, someone who wasn't a great friend to begin with, and have the pregnant belly staring me right in the face.
Needless to say, I am dealing with some serious anger. My true friends, they know who they are, aren't in danger of my swearing wrath....Even those people who I don't talk to much who reach out and are honest, and tell me they really don't know what to say. I don't get angry at that..... There are no right words to say to a woman who has just lost a child...... but there are things you want to steer clear of.
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