It's been 5 weeks. One month and some odd days since my baby girl was born sleeping. I'm still trying to process everything, my anger and anxiety is so bad that I called my doctor to have her put me back on antidepressants. Now I just feel numb, which I guess is better than being a blubbering mess all the time. Although today I did break down. Dropping the boys off at school and I see the moms dropping their kindergarteners off who were pregnant with me, but now they have babies in baby carriers. Just made me think of Savannah, and how mad I am that my daughter isn't here with me. Why? Why did she have to die? And I just have to go on existing..... Getting the boys ready for school, housework, laundry...... It just seems so unfair that life goes on without my daughter.
And then last week my cycle starts again. Milk production has stopped so my cycle starts.... yes it's a fresh start, and possibly a chance to try to conceive another baby, but it's just a reminder that I'm not pregnant anymore. Thankfully the phantom kicks have stopped. Waking up in the middle of the night thinking I'm feeling a baby kick is the worst. I hate this..... there are no words to describe the vast array of emotions I feel every day! I want to scream, cry........ thankfully the Prozac has taken the edge off and I'm not snapping at the boys and the husband.
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