Smiling through the sadness

It's been 8 and a half months since I lost Savannah. I hate that word "lost"........ Like I forgot her somewhere, or I left her behind, like it was a choice. It wasn't a choice, I would never CHOOSE this journey for ANYONE. There are not many people I dislike, if fact, at this moment, no one comes to mind, but I would never wish this pain on my worst enemy. It sucks, my brain never stops going. I don't have a choice but to push through. Some days it's easier to push through than others, but lately, it feels like the world is crashing down around me. I SHOULD be happy. I FINALLY got the call from Metro, after trying for 4 years to get on with the "Blue" family, I did! And I got an ideal schedule for the family, SCORE! I would be gone during the day while the kids are at school, and would only need a few hours of childcare until I could get home. I was so excited, this was the new beginning I needed. I wanted to make my Savannah so proud!

I'm 3 weeks in to my new job, which I absolutely LOVE! I know, it's only been 3 weeks, but honestly, everyone I have talked to, everyone I work with, seems to still enjoy what they do, and some of these people have been there for 10+ years. I'm excited to have this brand new career, a career with so much growth opportunity, a career that will help provide for my family, a career that I will eventually retire from. That aspect of my life is fantastic, I have NO complaints there. I have been extremely blessed. I feel like everything else seems to be crumbling. Tensions run high at the house on the weekends now. I feel as though I am still expected to do the things I did when I stayed at home with the kids. And I get angry at those expectations, although I probably am just putting them on myself. My kids seem to be acting out more, mostly my oldest one, he's already got the sass and attitude of a teenage, God help me in a few years. I pick him up from Safekey, and holy crow the tantrum he throws. Mind you, his brother screams in joy when he sees me, grabs his backpack and is ready to head out the door. So I dread pickup. And since I work in an area that has NO cell service, it's hard to reach me during the day...... I sit at work and stress a little about that. And of course, I have a voicemail today from my youngest's teacher. He's been peeing his pants lately, and pooped in them today. And she couldn't get a hold of anyone. So basically I sit here, frustrated, because I NEED to do something for me, I feel at this point if I don't, I will literally lose my mind. This job is for ME, yes it's for my family too, the extra income is wonderful, but this is something I worked hard for, I earned this job. I got through all the testing and hoops and polygraph TWICE.  And I feel like because I am working, the family is falling apart, the hubby and I don't seem to have a lot of time together, and again, that word, expectation, comes out. I feel like it's my fault this is all happening, and I'm angry because I will not quit this place. I will push through all the crap that is being thrown at me. I just don't know how much more CRAP I can take.

I'm not sure if I've ever actually admitted to needing a counselor. I have reached that point. I am sad, and angry, and depressed, and anxious.... ALL the time. I get little bursts of happiness here and there, but for the most part, I am just irritable, and I seem to snap at the boys and the husband. I know I've mentioned that I feel like ALL my patience goes into my youngest son, which I am ok with, but I just feel  like there is no more patience left. I just feel myself getting angrier and more sad everyday. More nights than not, I cry myself to sleep. And I ALWAYS wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding out of my chest, mid panic attack. I'm so sick of it. I just want it to stop. I took my Savannah's urn and laid in bed with it, just holding it and sobbing. I held a lot of anger before she died, but now it's just intensified. I'm not even 100% sure where the anger comes from, but I know it gets directed at the boys, and my husband, mostly him. I know I have to be happy with myself, I can't expect anyone to make me happy...... I grasp that fact. The thing is, I'm not sure I've ever truly been happy with myself. Battling depression on and off since I was 13, a lot of self doubt is poured in there..... I definitely have a lot more confidence in myself than I did as a teenager, but I feel like I'm just smiling through my sadness..... I have to put on this happy face to hide the pain I feel inside.

So until I find a counselor to really pour my thoughts out to, I will have to do just that, smile through my sadness.