I think I've come to the conclusion that I will never be the same...... I don't even want to blog anymore because I just want to escape the sad thoughts swimming constantly through my mind. As the holidays approach, I am made very aware that I am missing a child. Seeing the empty chair at the table on Thanksgiving, and tonight, as my boys put up Christmas decorations, the excitement they get out of finding and hanging their stockings....... I thought I'd have a pink stocking to hang this year. I spent 10 hours with a good friend Black Friday shopping, I just got to vent and talk about all my anxiety and troubles, and my wonderful friend just listened..... I was made aware that I will not be buying little girl toys and little girl Christmas dresses. It's a giant slap in the face for me, especially since my husband and I cannot find common ground to have another child. I want to, he doesn't, neither one of us is budging in our decision. There's already a huge rift between us, and for me it just seems to be getting bigger and I become more unhappy. I keep saying I am going to seek counseling, I think I will actually do it, as I have some decisions I feel I may need to make, regarding a lot of things. My job is amazing, I am beyond happy there, I have a lot of anger and resentment built up, I feel a lot of it is geared toward my husband. Who knows...... I just can't handle the sleepless nights, and the nightmares, and the sadness of missing my daughter.
Tomorrow I start the 21 Day Fix. I am going to fight this depression any way I can. I am going to eat healthy and work out, and drink my Starbucks in moderation... can't give that up completely, ha ha!! I'm going to touch up my hair color and get my nails done, just a little something for me, I need it..... I'm getting desperate. I've really dove into reading, I reread the 50 Shades series, actually enjoyed it this time around....go figure, I think it's just because I need something, anything, to help me escape reality for a bit. I am practicing more patience with my boys, it's not their fault I'm sad, and I can't take it out on them, I'm the only mom they have, I want to be a good one. They ask about their sister a lot, mostly what Heaven's like and that they can't wait to meet her and hold her. I really have been blessed with the sweetest boys. I love them so!
I will update more once counseling starts, and maybe, I'll be brave enough to post before and after pics of my workout...... maybe.
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