Had my follow up postpartum appointment yesterday. I was dreading going to the office. Just thinking about what happened last time I was there immediately brings tears to my eyes. Before I had gone to that office just 3 weeks ago, life was normal, I was smiling, happy..... Now I'm trying to learn a new normal, one where I could cry at any minute, and very often I do.....
I'm so grateful to my doctor and her staff. They got me into a room very quickly, but it was there I broke down and sobbed like I did when I found out my baby girl had passed. There to my left was the ultrasound machine, and to my right on the counter was the Doppler. All over the wall were happy baby announcements, announcements I'll never get to send out. So yes, I lost it, and was sobbing when the Dr, came in. She hugged me, and just let me sit there and talk to her and ask questions.... Unfortunately there aren't many answers to my questions: Will this happen again if I do choose to have another baby? Is there any way of knowing if this was a fluke? All I know is I am now considered a "high risk" patient, and will be to see numerous doctors should I get pregnant again.... and who knows if I will. I haven't decided if I want to, a huge part of me does because I yearn for a daughter so badly, but a part of me doesn't want to go through this again..... what if I lose her? What if I have a boy? Yes, I love my boys with all my heart but I want that mother/daughter bond, and I'm so scared of being disappointed if I have another boy. Yes, of course I would love the child regardless, no question about that. But there could be a tiny bit of resentment, who knows. I don't know how I feel about having another baby, and I'm so glad that it's a not a decision that I even have to think about now. I'm still grieving my daughter.
The death certificate was very vague, we requested no autopsy, and thinking back, part of me wishes we had one done, mostly to find out if what killed her was genetic or just a fluke infection. On the death certificate, it states maternal infection..... I know it's just a term, but damn, when I heard that, it was a slap in the face, like something I did killed my baby... It's bad enough that I struggle with that guilt every day, my womb is supposed to protect my babies from the harmful outside world, and apparently something got in there and killed her. I hate that I feel like my body failed her, like I failed her. Yes, there was NO way of knowing my fluid was infected, that's not even something that can be picked up on an ultrasound, but still.....
I'd been having a good day today. Then I open the pantry to make my youngest lunch, and I see the bottle warmer box that had been a gift to us from a friend. So naturally, I cried. I won't get to use that now. Thankfully it's about naptime, and my youngest and I snuggle up and will nap together... I cherish these moments now more than ever, plus I can cry my eyes out and he'll just snuggle me.
I have to hold him tight...... I feel such a void now, in my uterus, in my heart. My daughter was the last piece to the puzzle of our family, and everything still feels so incomplete.
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