My Story

I am just a normal, scatterbrained mom like most of my mom friends. Trying to juggle the balance between spending quality time with each kid, my husband and working a part time job so that I don't completely lose my sanity. I absolutely loved being pregnant with all 3 of my boys. Yes, the aches and pains got to be unbearable, along with the feeling like I couldn't breathe, but the fact that I was growing a baby inside me and I got to watch each one of them move and kick around was a feeling that never got old. And after I had my 3rd son, I thought I was done having kids. But as he started getting a little older (he'll be 3 soon, so he's not THAT old) I felt as though maybe having an even number of kids was the way to go. Trust me, if you would have told me 10 years ago that I'd be married with 3, thinking of 4, kids, I would have laughed and told you that you were nuts. Not that I didn't want kids, I always knew that I'd eventually have kids. My first was a surprise, but at 27 years old, it was what it was, and although I was freaked out at becoming a mom, I couldn't wait.


Last summer, my husband and I had kinda talked about having 1 more baby. He always joked with me that he wanted 5 or 6 kids when we first got married, never thought we would ever have THAT many, but like I said, the balance of kids seemed off with 3. I always know when I'm pregnant, I can take a test before I'm late and that thing pops up positive right away. So lo and behold, the beginning of July, I'm feeling a little more tired than normal, I had gotten a call from my doctor earlier in the day to tell me I needed to have a small procedure done. I knew if I were pregnant, I couldn't have it done, so I took a test just to be on the safe side, and bam positive. It was the first time I took a test that I wasn't super stoked I was pregnant. I was scared, nervous. I feel overwhelmed most days with my 3 boys, what's going to happen when I add a 4th to the mix, not to mention I had just reapplied for Metro and had gotten on the hiring list quite quickly this time around. So the timing was not the best, but we always made it work in the past. Then the bleeding started. I didn't even know how far along I was, but I knew that what was happening didn't seem normal. I spotted with my boys, but this was different. After 7 hours at the ER, I thankfully was sent home with a diagnosis of a nasty UTI (which was causing the bleeding), a decent sized cyst on my ovary, and then I was told that there was a blood clot near the placenta. However, I did get to see my tiny peanut sized baby and the heartbeat, so I was more than relieved that all was good there. Unfortunately I did not get so lucky with this pregnancy and no morning sickness..... I was nauseous ALL the time, and the meds for the UTI just made it worse. I spent most of my 1st trimester in bed, too sick and dizzy to do anything. I was so happy once I reached the 13 week mark and was no longer considered "high risk" for miscarriage.


2nd trimester would be a breeze I thought, I was so sick in the beginning that everything else had to be cake. Ha, not so much. It didn't help that I didn't like my OB, he never followed up with the blood clot, and he treated me like every other patient, just asking small talk questions, not really wanting to know how the pregnancy was going. Never followed up with blood work, so I felt very in the dark about everything. Then at 15 weeks, I started spotting a bit and having contractions. I had Braxton Hicks with my boys, but that usually happened at 25+ weeks, not this early. Thankfully with a little more bedrest, they subsided.


Our big ultrasound day was in October. I was hoping I was carrying a little girl, this pregnancy had been a complete 180 from my boys, I was extremely depressed and hormonal and very sick, but I didn't get my hopes up. The tech confirmed very quickly that I had a daughter in me. I cried, and I was in disbelief for a good week or 2. I was FINALLY getting my daughter, I was over the moon excited, my husband, not so much, and it took him a few weeks to finally come around so we could pick a name for her. We finally decided on Savannah and chose Michelle for the middle name because she was my best friend growing up and we're still very close after 30+years.


At my 24 week check up and ultrasound, she was moving around like crazy, partly because I had done my glucose test that morning. Everything looked great, she was growing perfectly, the doctor was a little concerned that one of her kidneys was slightly enlarged, but he just scheduled me for a follow up ultrasound in 7 weeks to make sure it had worked itself out. Never would I have imagined that I would never make it to that appointment.


A few days later, the beginning of December, I noticed that she wasn't moving around as much. I was told by so many people that little girls were different and that their boys moved around like crazy, but their girls didn't. I was in tears a lot of the time because I worried there was something wrong. I even went to the hospital to be monitored, and they found the heartbeat right away, and she started moving a little bit more. As the weeks went on, she'd move a little here and there, but nothing like she was. A few days before my appointment, I ate a big bowl of sugar filled cereal and laid down to go to sleep, and felt a jolt on my right side. Movement, I was so happy, plus my appointment was in 2 days, so I could see for myself I was just being paranoid.


December 30th, the last "normal" day for me.... My boys were on Christmas break and were supposed to come with me to the appointment so they could hear their baby sister's heartbeat. But they love their babysitter, so when they found out she was coming over, they decided not to come with me. So I went alone.... excited because I wanted all my fears to go away, and I wanted to start getting ready for my baby shower. I had planned on going to register for her the next day. My first red flag was when they weighed me and I hadn't gained any weight, but I just thought, hey I'm actually eating good with her. I got to see the PA (I switched doctors in October, and so grateful that I had) and I loved her, we sat and chatted for a bit before she checked me out. Measured me, I measured 28 weeks, where I was supposed to be, and then was having issues with the Doppler. So we decided to do an ultrasound, and the machine wasn't working, so they moved rooms. She still was having a hard time, so she went out to get the doctor (not my doctor, but another from the practice) and he looked at her, asked me if I had any issues with any of my other pregnancies, and I said nope none. Then all got quiet, and he says "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your baby does not have a heartbeat". Wait, what? No, I'm supposed to be here having them tell me I've just been paranoid this whole month, not for them to tell me that my baby girl is dead. I cried, of course, I was more in disbelief than anything, and I sat up and asked him "Ok, now what? I can't just keep carrying her, do I go to the hospital? What happens now?". Basically I was told I didn't have to be induced right away, but that I would have to have her in the next few days. After they left the room, I sobbed, and dreaded having to make that phone call to my husband, to tell him that yes, this whole time I thought something was off, something really was off.


We decided to go to the hospital that night, I couldn't bear the thought of carrying my baby, knowing she wasn't living anymore. The labor experience was THE worst of my life...... knowing I was going through all these motions and I was going to be delivering a baby who wouldn't cry, wouldn't move, wouldn't even open her eyes for me. After almost 13 hours, she came, and I got to spend the day (with my husband), holding her. The epidural they gave me was too strong in my legs, so I couldn't get up for a while after I had her, my husband got to bathe her, got to help do her handprints and footprints. I still couldn't believe what was happening, I was hoping everything was just a bad dream. No way could my only baby girl be gone, with no explanation at all......


It's been 2.5 weeks since every mother's worst nightmare, I know people mean well when they come up to me with sadness in their eyes and ask how I am. I just tell them I have my good days and my bad days, when I really want to scream How do you think I am? I had to birth a baby who had already passed away, I had to leave the hospital empty handed, I will NEVER get to watch my baby girl grow up......... I still have to heal physically from labor, even though I have no baby. I had milk come in, and no baby to feed. My boys still come up to me and hug and kiss my stomach out of habit because they would do that before they'd go to school in the morning. I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces, and as much as the prayers and love and gifts from friends do help, nothing can bring my daughter back. I don't sleep at night because my body is programmed to wake up every few hours to feed a newborn. And when I do sleep, it's filled with dreams and nightmares of my baby girl. So no, right now, I'm not doing ok. I cry all the time, even though you don't see it. I'm angry that I have no baby girl here with me, and so many others around me are having babies. Yes, I do take comfort that she is with Jesus and is in no pain, but it does not take my heartache and pain away. And the shittiest part about this all is that life just goes on. I just want time to stop so I can grieve my baby girl, but time doesn't stop. Kids still need attention, laundry still needs to be done....... it's like it didn't happen, but for me, it's all I think about. It consumes me. I miss her so much and ache for her to be in my arms.


So that's my story. I started this blog because I need to get these feelings out. I want to not feel so sad and numb, and yes I've been told time heals all wounds....... I don't want this to heal. I just want my girl back. :'(